Today, somewhat on a whim, but mostly from a determination to stop putting it off, I got my ears pierced. For those of you who were unaware or forgot what my lobes looked like, I do not currently have pierced ears. It's ok if you did not know, my aunt got me some earrings for Christmas and she's known me my whole life. I did have them pierced for a brief period in sixth grade, but I got lazy and the holes closed up. If you played sports at any level, you know that if you had earrings, you had to take them out, or if you couldn't take them out, you had to put tape over them, which made you look incredibly stupid. Considering I played sports all year round, I never had the time to keep them in long enough so they wouldn't close up if I took them out. So I just never got it redone.
My mom has been bugging me about it, and I see so many cute earrings that I would wear, so I resolved that in September, it was going to happen. I asked some of the young kids at work where they recommended getting it done. I had some requirements....First, it had to be reasonably priced, not exorbinantly expensive, but not dirt cheap either. Second, it had to be clean. I wanted sterile equipment and a very small chance that I would contract hepatitis. Third, I wanted lobe specialists. I was doing this old school and I don't need some weird place that specializes in nipple rings or something. Straight, old-fashioned lobes. I was told by my friend Monique from work, who has three ear holes, a belly button ring and a tongue ring that Claire's, tween headquarters of America, was actually the best place. Another girl recommended Piercing Pagoda. My mom wanted me to go to the doctor, which I nixed outright because A) I didn't think it would be covered by insurance and B) I don't think doctors actually do that. I mean would I go to a dermatologist or just a regular doctor? As a proponent for common sense health care reform, it would be hypocritical of me to support reducing unneccessary medical treatment and giving doctors more time with patients and then make a doctor pierce my ears.
It was a tough decision. Obviously, I am a little out of the demographic range for Claire's normal clientele, but there was still something seedy about Piercing Pagoda. Perhaps it's because it conjures images of a back alley in Chinatown. The same back alley where they catch all the stray cats to make into moo goo gai pan. Also, the Pagoda at the mall near me is a kiosk, while Claire's a store nestled near the empty end of the mall near Boscov's. It's a sketchy mirrored ceiling Boscov's, so there isn't a lot of traffic. If I got it done at the kiosk, it would be an open air environment and I would be watched by all the people passing by.
I opted for Claire's. I figured I would go on a weekday afternoon, when they weren't busy so that it would be a fairly quick experience. I get there at around 5 PM, which at the store where I work is a dead time. Most people aren't home from work or are home and eating a nice TV dinner. OF COURSE, because I wanted this to be a stealth mission, there had to be complications. First, I was told that you just had to buy the earrings and the piercing was free, so I picked out a nice $7 pair. I didn't want to look stupid by asking the 17 year old working there if I had to pick from specific piercing earrings or if any would suffice for the initial piercing. As I'm paying, I say, "Oh, and I need my ears actually pierced." So she says "Hah, there's a line." The line consisting of the middle school girl and her mom who were both getting matching cartilage piercings ahead of me. The girl has more piercings in one ear than I was getting total. So I'm standing there in Claire's like a moron. I'm taller than all the fixtures and everything is pink and sparkly and bubble gum flavored. I'm about to ask if I can go get a cup of coffee or something and come back in five minutes because I'm very uncomfortable, when the piercing girl's mom starts talking to me. She seems a little earthy, granola-y, kind of a cool parent type, so I don't run away and she's like "What holes are you on?" Like this is some sort of club and the number of holes you put in yourself is currency. Well it's obvious that I don't have any piercings, so I dumbly say "My first." And then I start rambling on about how I had them done in middle school because I feel like a big dork. I really thought I was going to have to wait through the girl and then her mom, but after the mom saw her daughter get it done, she had some second thoughts, so my line got a little smaller.
I start to fill out the Claire's paperwork, which is pretty much like don't sue us if your ear falls off. And I had to pick from the piercing earrings, which cost $35. Also, I felt empowered that I could sign the form myself and could cross out the parent or guardian line. Suck on that, piercing girl. I was pretty much the only person in the store whose mom didn't have to drive them there, and who could legally get shitfaced after this embarrassing ordeal. I should have waited outside and bought booze for those high school kids and charged them a 25% markup. I also wasn't getting a piercing because I wanted to piss off my parents. My mom actually probably wanted this more than I did. So the girl is sitting there talking to me and I'm like "This girl is like 18 and I'm a college graduate. How dare she ask me if I have any questions. I have a question, what are your qualifications? Did Claire's give you a certificate for attending a training session to learn how to stab people in the ears? Can we just do this damn thing so I can get an Auntie Anne's pretzel and an Orange Julius? "
So after the lecture, she makes a dot on my right ear. It's pretty much dead center on the lobe and she's like "Is this a good spot for you?" and in my head I'm like "Is it on my ear because I have no idea, I can't see it." Then she goes to draw the second dot, she takes a step back and gets a look on her face. Oh god, I get the girl who has no depth perception. She says it's too high and wipes it off and makes it again. This is literally what she says "Oops, I put it in the exact same spot again." YOU ARE OOPSING THE TRIAL RUN? THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL. Then she draws the dot a third time. Upon stepping back, she can't decide if it's even with the other one or not. So she gets Piercing Girl's mom to look. The mom is like "It's too low." Piercing Girl is like "It looks fine." So instead of just letting me see it, she calls over her young, blonde ditz of a coworker who is like "Um, it's fine." Then she finally lets me see, and I'm like it's fine, just do this for the love of all that is holy (or should I say...holey?). So she goes ahead and does it, and it doesn't actually hurt that much. Then she makes me demonstrate that I'm capable of cleaning my own ears. I'm ready to run away and she hands me a BRIGHT PINK bag that says "JUST GOT MY EARS PIERCED!" with the cleaner stuff and my receipt and everything. I'm like sweet mother, I just want to go to the mall and not have everyone's eyes staring at me wondering why this 24 year old went to Claire's and got her ears pierced. Not to mention I still had to pay/return the earrings that I had just bought because I was trying to play it cool. I finally get out of there, after what seemed like an hour, but was probably only fifteen minutes.
Suffice it to say, I'm not letting these ones close up. Or if I do, I'll wait until I'm a doctor and just do it my damn self. Or I'll take my chances at the Piercing Pagoda...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Dog Days of Summer
I consider myself a baseball fan first and foremost, so it always irks me that while the Phillies are leading their division and trading themselves into a better position to defend their current World Championship, the local sports media sends envoys up to Lehigh University (located precisely in the middle of Nowheresville, PA) to extensively cover the Eagles Training Camp, AKA practice. Yes, they do also cover Spring Training, but I feel that they make Training Camp a much bigger deal. To quote the eminently quotable Philadelphia Sixers sage, Allen Iverson, "We're talking about practice." Practice that is apparently the most important sports news in the town. I realize that Philadelphia is predominantly an Eagles town, but do I really need to see footage of every member of the defensive line getting out of their huge SUVs to go to practice? I don't...Also, why do we still hold press conferences with Andy Reid? Does the man every say more than one syllable to the press that is anything more than just a repetition of things that they already knew? Let's just save the air time and assume that Andy Reid will not say anything controversial/have any comment for the press.
It's funny in a sense that this firestorm is happening, precisely because Andy Reid as a coach is very low drama. Once Terrell Owens started to show his true colors in his second season, he was all but out the door. Andy Reid and the Eagles organization seemingly have very little tolerance for people who cause them a lot of P.R. and off the field drama. They're very football focused. Which is one reason why the whole Michael Vick signing is so surprising and confusing.
Speaking of Michael Vick, let me just say that I did not care for him/think he was a superb player, before I found out that he amply provided for the torture and killing of his own dogs. He's a "quarterback," in the sense that he lines up behind the center, but he's never been known for the strength or accuracy of his arm. He set the record for the most rushing yards for a quarterback, and is pretty much a very good running quarterback. I remember when the Eagles would play the Falcons and the sports news people would hype the match up of Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick. Playing each other would determine who is the ULTIMATE RUNNING BLACK QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME IN THE UNIVERSE!!! And every single time, McNabb would play a wonderful game and the Eagles would win by 20 points, while the Eagles defense would contain Vick and sack him half a dozen times. It was never a contest who was better. At least with Donovan, if he couldn't run, he would still be able to pass the ball, where Vick would just get stuck and throw interceptions. Vick always seemed overexposed, overhyped and highly overpaid for being a quarterback who can't throw the ball all that well.
Then you know, the whole dogfighting thing happened. I really have difficulty in understanding people who are mean to animals. I mean people are bastards a large majority of the time, I can completely understand how you would want to physically assault another human being, but animals aren't like that. They don't have all the obnoxious personality traits that humans are so prone to. And who wants to watch two dogs fight each other? I mean isn't Ultimate Cage Fighting pretty much the same thing with steroid laden people? Is dogfighting even neccessary in a world with the octagon of death is on every sporting channel all the time? Do you get ESPN 2 Mikey?
So I went from disliking Michael Vick to pretty much hating him. It's one thing to have your old buddies from the hood be like "Hey, you're not doing anything tonight, you want to go watch two aggressive dogs try to kill each other? It will be fun, just be sure to wear something splatter proof," but when you are the ringleader and chief financial officer for such brutality, I can't really make any excuses for you or pretend that you're a good human being. I mean isn't part of the profile of all serial killers/psychopaths that they tormented animals at some point in their life? What is wrong with you that you have to be so cruel to a defenseless and virtually helpless creature? What he did was disgusting and the fact that he got only two years in prison, predominantly because of the gambling aspect and not the animal cruelty aspect is a testament to how disturbed our society is. I know that people say "they're just dogs," but the more we learn about the animal world, the more we are realizing how intelligent animals actually are. I was just reading about a study that showed dogs have at least as much intelligence as toddlers. So instated of thinking about Michael Vick as electrocuting a dog, imagine that he is doing it to little Timmy or Suzy. No matter how much I try to empathize with his circumstances, that he got caught up with his old friends from home, for whom this is a large part of their culture, I keep coming back to it being wrong. Period. End of story, enjoy Leavenworth, don't drop your soap and here are some cigarettes with which to barter.
So I pretty much think that Michael Vick is scum, but I was not surprised when he was reinstated to the NFL. The bar for being allowed to play is anything goes as long as you're not actually convicted of murdering someone else. Drugs? That's fine, take a suspension and come on back! DUI? DUI with vehicular manslaughter? Water under the bridge! To be fair, Ted Kennedy also got to come back from that one, so that's not really just an NFL problem. Domestic violence? So tame, you didn't even use a weapon...here's a session of sensitivity training, and get those pads on! Rape and sexual assault? Just proof of your manliness and virility, settle it out of court and WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! I guess you have to have a high violence tolerance, when your sport consists of huge Hulk-men physically beating each other down each Sunday and you encourage bone-crushing tackles. When I heard Vick was reinstated, I figured that he'd end up at some last place team who is desperate for a star :::cough:::houstontexans:::cough::: I had actually heard somewhere that the Cowboys were considering taking him, which would have been sweet as an Eagles fan. Would have made booing them that much sweeter. It would have been so black and white.
What's this? The Eagles signed him? Aroo? As I said earlier, it doesn't make sense because the Andy Reid Tenure has been marked by minimal drama, aforementioned T.O. incident not included. Also, do we even need a backup quarterback? What about that Kevin Kolb kid? He's supposed to be the future right? Just waiting there, lurking behind Donovan to usurp him when he least expects it. Also, doesn't Donovan hate that they keep lining all these people up behind him? I know he was pretty pissed about the Kevin Kolb thing, not to mention the benching that he got last season. Donovan is a pretty upstanding guy, and he's pretty much earned the right to not have some whippersnapper biting at his heels all year. Why waste any money getting another QB, when it is a clearly demonstrated fact that we need a top wide receiver to get us to the Super Bowl. I would rather have had Andy Reid fly to Buffalo, get down on one knee and ask T.O. to come back than sign anyone else. I mean Hank Baskett? He's just this year's Todd Pinkston...THE ENTIRE RECEIVING CORE IS TODD PINKSTON/FREDDIE MITCHELL version 20.09. Don't you see? Donovan is a great quarterback when he as someone to CATCH HIS PASSES. This brings me to my second point. Andy Reid et. al have never met a passing play that they don't like. I mean they pass almost every play. Our running back gets most of his yards passing. The entire Eagles M.O. requires a good passing quarterback, which Michael Vick isn't. Not to mention that you're probably freaking Donovan out by putting a lesser version of himself behind him on the depth chart. And God forbid something happens to Donovan and we're forced to root for that assclown. I mean he's obviously not intelligent. What sort of moron is the highest paid player in the league and raking in the cash decides to put it all on the line so he can bet a few G's on dogs. Seriously, you would think one of the people in his entourage would be like, this is a terrible idea, you're an idiot. You can make $40,000 on one bet at the dogfight or you could make $40,000,000 a year playing catch on Sundays.
All of the people who are trying to rationalize being able to root for the Eagles with Vick are like "Everyone deserves a second chance!" I generally agree with that, and I think a lot of the problems we have with repeat offending criminals are because we make it virtually impossible for them to assimilate back into normal society. However, I feel that comparing Michael Vick's "first chance" to any other criminal's first chance is disingenious. The guy was on top of the world and he threw it away for something pretty stupid in the big scheme of his life. Does someone that stupid really deserve a second chance? Shouldn't we be shipping idiots like him off to an island somewhere away from society? I mean your first chance was a Golden Chance, and you were too self-destructive or stupid to recognize it. I don't think you should be able to get that back again. Sure, let him get a job where he can provide for him and his family, but don't let him make ridiculous amounts of money, especially when he's only been out of jail for like a month and has not yet done anything tangible to show his remorse.
I for one have two proposals. The first he probably won't like, but I say that we call up the Octagon of Death people and see if they can loan us the cage for a little bit. Then we find one of the pit bulls that Michael trained who is still probably in a rescue because it's too aggressive to be homed. We put Michael (wearing his newly minted Eagles #7 jersey that nflshop.com sent me an e-mail to inform me is only $79.99), sans pads and protective gear, mano vs. fido fighting against one of his fighting dogs. If he survives, has use of his limbs and doesn't die of blood loss, he can return to playing professional football. If he loses his throwing arm or something, well then, life can be a bitch sometime (which will be even more ironic if the dog that mauls him to death is a female). The second proposal, is far less violent, and I think Mr. Vick might prefer this one. The Eagles/whatever future team he plays for pay for all of Mr. Vick's basic needs: food, clothing, housing, etc. Nothing extravagant, just enough for him to get by. The remainder of whatever salary is earned is automatically donated to the SPCA/Humane Society or some other animal welfare organization.
I for one won't be rooting for the Eagles this season. Hopefully, the Phillies will go all the way again, so I won't even miss football in the fall. I will not watch the games or buy anything where the proceeds will go to the team, while Michael Vick is still being paid. I won't root for any other team either, consider my Eagles fandom suspended indefinitely, which is something that Mr. Vick should be familiar with it, as it was his status with the NFL until recently.
It's funny in a sense that this firestorm is happening, precisely because Andy Reid as a coach is very low drama. Once Terrell Owens started to show his true colors in his second season, he was all but out the door. Andy Reid and the Eagles organization seemingly have very little tolerance for people who cause them a lot of P.R. and off the field drama. They're very football focused. Which is one reason why the whole Michael Vick signing is so surprising and confusing.
Speaking of Michael Vick, let me just say that I did not care for him/think he was a superb player, before I found out that he amply provided for the torture and killing of his own dogs. He's a "quarterback," in the sense that he lines up behind the center, but he's never been known for the strength or accuracy of his arm. He set the record for the most rushing yards for a quarterback, and is pretty much a very good running quarterback. I remember when the Eagles would play the Falcons and the sports news people would hype the match up of Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick. Playing each other would determine who is the ULTIMATE RUNNING BLACK QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME IN THE UNIVERSE!!! And every single time, McNabb would play a wonderful game and the Eagles would win by 20 points, while the Eagles defense would contain Vick and sack him half a dozen times. It was never a contest who was better. At least with Donovan, if he couldn't run, he would still be able to pass the ball, where Vick would just get stuck and throw interceptions. Vick always seemed overexposed, overhyped and highly overpaid for being a quarterback who can't throw the ball all that well.
Then you know, the whole dogfighting thing happened. I really have difficulty in understanding people who are mean to animals. I mean people are bastards a large majority of the time, I can completely understand how you would want to physically assault another human being, but animals aren't like that. They don't have all the obnoxious personality traits that humans are so prone to. And who wants to watch two dogs fight each other? I mean isn't Ultimate Cage Fighting pretty much the same thing with steroid laden people? Is dogfighting even neccessary in a world with the octagon of death is on every sporting channel all the time? Do you get ESPN 2 Mikey?
So I went from disliking Michael Vick to pretty much hating him. It's one thing to have your old buddies from the hood be like "Hey, you're not doing anything tonight, you want to go watch two aggressive dogs try to kill each other? It will be fun, just be sure to wear something splatter proof," but when you are the ringleader and chief financial officer for such brutality, I can't really make any excuses for you or pretend that you're a good human being. I mean isn't part of the profile of all serial killers/psychopaths that they tormented animals at some point in their life? What is wrong with you that you have to be so cruel to a defenseless and virtually helpless creature? What he did was disgusting and the fact that he got only two years in prison, predominantly because of the gambling aspect and not the animal cruelty aspect is a testament to how disturbed our society is. I know that people say "they're just dogs," but the more we learn about the animal world, the more we are realizing how intelligent animals actually are. I was just reading about a study that showed dogs have at least as much intelligence as toddlers. So instated of thinking about Michael Vick as electrocuting a dog, imagine that he is doing it to little Timmy or Suzy. No matter how much I try to empathize with his circumstances, that he got caught up with his old friends from home, for whom this is a large part of their culture, I keep coming back to it being wrong. Period. End of story, enjoy Leavenworth, don't drop your soap and here are some cigarettes with which to barter.
So I pretty much think that Michael Vick is scum, but I was not surprised when he was reinstated to the NFL. The bar for being allowed to play is anything goes as long as you're not actually convicted of murdering someone else. Drugs? That's fine, take a suspension and come on back! DUI? DUI with vehicular manslaughter? Water under the bridge! To be fair, Ted Kennedy also got to come back from that one, so that's not really just an NFL problem. Domestic violence? So tame, you didn't even use a weapon...here's a session of sensitivity training, and get those pads on! Rape and sexual assault? Just proof of your manliness and virility, settle it out of court and WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! I guess you have to have a high violence tolerance, when your sport consists of huge Hulk-men physically beating each other down each Sunday and you encourage bone-crushing tackles. When I heard Vick was reinstated, I figured that he'd end up at some last place team who is desperate for a star :::cough:::houstontexans:::cough::: I had actually heard somewhere that the Cowboys were considering taking him, which would have been sweet as an Eagles fan. Would have made booing them that much sweeter. It would have been so black and white.
What's this? The Eagles signed him? Aroo? As I said earlier, it doesn't make sense because the Andy Reid Tenure has been marked by minimal drama, aforementioned T.O. incident not included. Also, do we even need a backup quarterback? What about that Kevin Kolb kid? He's supposed to be the future right? Just waiting there, lurking behind Donovan to usurp him when he least expects it. Also, doesn't Donovan hate that they keep lining all these people up behind him? I know he was pretty pissed about the Kevin Kolb thing, not to mention the benching that he got last season. Donovan is a pretty upstanding guy, and he's pretty much earned the right to not have some whippersnapper biting at his heels all year. Why waste any money getting another QB, when it is a clearly demonstrated fact that we need a top wide receiver to get us to the Super Bowl. I would rather have had Andy Reid fly to Buffalo, get down on one knee and ask T.O. to come back than sign anyone else. I mean Hank Baskett? He's just this year's Todd Pinkston...THE ENTIRE RECEIVING CORE IS TODD PINKSTON/FREDDIE MITCHELL version 20.09. Don't you see? Donovan is a great quarterback when he as someone to CATCH HIS PASSES. This brings me to my second point. Andy Reid et. al have never met a passing play that they don't like. I mean they pass almost every play. Our running back gets most of his yards passing. The entire Eagles M.O. requires a good passing quarterback, which Michael Vick isn't. Not to mention that you're probably freaking Donovan out by putting a lesser version of himself behind him on the depth chart. And God forbid something happens to Donovan and we're forced to root for that assclown. I mean he's obviously not intelligent. What sort of moron is the highest paid player in the league and raking in the cash decides to put it all on the line so he can bet a few G's on dogs. Seriously, you would think one of the people in his entourage would be like, this is a terrible idea, you're an idiot. You can make $40,000 on one bet at the dogfight or you could make $40,000,000 a year playing catch on Sundays.
All of the people who are trying to rationalize being able to root for the Eagles with Vick are like "Everyone deserves a second chance!" I generally agree with that, and I think a lot of the problems we have with repeat offending criminals are because we make it virtually impossible for them to assimilate back into normal society. However, I feel that comparing Michael Vick's "first chance" to any other criminal's first chance is disingenious. The guy was on top of the world and he threw it away for something pretty stupid in the big scheme of his life. Does someone that stupid really deserve a second chance? Shouldn't we be shipping idiots like him off to an island somewhere away from society? I mean your first chance was a Golden Chance, and you were too self-destructive or stupid to recognize it. I don't think you should be able to get that back again. Sure, let him get a job where he can provide for him and his family, but don't let him make ridiculous amounts of money, especially when he's only been out of jail for like a month and has not yet done anything tangible to show his remorse.
I for one have two proposals. The first he probably won't like, but I say that we call up the Octagon of Death people and see if they can loan us the cage for a little bit. Then we find one of the pit bulls that Michael trained who is still probably in a rescue because it's too aggressive to be homed. We put Michael (wearing his newly minted Eagles #7 jersey that nflshop.com sent me an e-mail to inform me is only $79.99), sans pads and protective gear, mano vs. fido fighting against one of his fighting dogs. If he survives, has use of his limbs and doesn't die of blood loss, he can return to playing professional football. If he loses his throwing arm or something, well then, life can be a bitch sometime (which will be even more ironic if the dog that mauls him to death is a female). The second proposal, is far less violent, and I think Mr. Vick might prefer this one. The Eagles/whatever future team he plays for pay for all of Mr. Vick's basic needs: food, clothing, housing, etc. Nothing extravagant, just enough for him to get by. The remainder of whatever salary is earned is automatically donated to the SPCA/Humane Society or some other animal welfare organization.
I for one won't be rooting for the Eagles this season. Hopefully, the Phillies will go all the way again, so I won't even miss football in the fall. I will not watch the games or buy anything where the proceeds will go to the team, while Michael Vick is still being paid. I won't root for any other team either, consider my Eagles fandom suspended indefinitely, which is something that Mr. Vick should be familiar with it, as it was his status with the NFL until recently.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Regarding Your Insurance Claim
Dear American Public,
Here at your friendly, neighborhood insurance corporation, we take customer satisfaction very seriously, which is why we regret to inform you that we are unable to make payment on the claim you filed. We are sorry, and you are free to appeal our decision.
The clain is denied because we have determined that your condition, Health Insurance Ignorance, is in fact pre-existing. If you read the tiny, tiny print of your health insurance policy, you will find that we use the term "pre-existing condition" as a loophole to avoid paying for things that will cut into our ridiculously good profits. I mean seriously, we are raking it in. We've actually had to order more rakes to ensure we pick up every last penny. However, if you can't read the tiny, tiny print, that's probably because we don't offer coverage for eye exams or corrective lenses. In addition, it appears that treating your condition would require treatment for severe Factual Deficiency, which would entail experimental education treatments that we are under no obligation to pay for. It would also appear that an underlying condition to your HII is that you are experiencing extreme and paralyzing fear of socialism. Again, please refer to your policy, but the plan that you are enrolled in does not offer mental health coverage. In this case, the only treatment that we will pay for is to have you show up at the town hall meeting of your local congressional leader and shout ignorant things at them. It won't help your condition, but it will help us keep the Acme Rake corporation in business. I did mention the rakes right? Also, we need some of those canvas sacks with dollar signs on the side, so we have somewhere to store all this stuff. Right now, we just let our executives have a giant orgy on top of it.
We are sorry for any inconvenience this denial may cause you. Please fill out the attached appeal form and mail it to the following address:
Jose Nototheway
100 Fat Chance Lane
Hell's Frozen Tundra, NY 00090
We would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that we plan on raising your insurance premiums, effective immediately. We're trying to keep them growing at least three times faster than your wages ever will. Not that your wages will increase, because word on the street is your company will be laying you off, at which point you will have thirty days before your insurance policy with us will end. Sorry about that, but isn't this what is great about America? Where else on Earth could we have the freedom to literally decide who lives and dies based on our profit margins? It makes me want to wrap myself in the American flag and sing Yankee Doodle Dandy. I mean if you were in Canada, you'd have Socialized Medicine, where you would be have to wait in line for months to undergo a stress test in front of a death panel. If you failed, you would go to the gulag, where you would be forced to build communes for hippies, stoke the flames of the American flag incinerator, and assemble dirty bombs for Osama Bin Laden. At least you live in America, where you have the best health care in the world*!
*when we say best, we mean 37th, according to the World Health Organziation, but they are just a bunch of Debbie Downers
So, as you can see, by denying your care, we are fighting socialism, flag burning and terrorism. When you hear "The Star Spangled Banner," think about the extraordinary bravery and patriotism it took for us to deny you life saving care. Sure you're dead, but at least you will be able to tell your children you saved the American Dream. Well you won't be able to tell them, because you're dead, but perhaps you could leave a note for them about it. Unless what killed you is a heritable disease, because we won't cover them either, so you can just save the note and tell them when you are both in the afterlife.
Thank you,
The American Health Insurance companies
Here at your friendly, neighborhood insurance corporation, we take customer satisfaction very seriously, which is why we regret to inform you that we are unable to make payment on the claim you filed. We are sorry, and you are free to appeal our decision.
The clain is denied because we have determined that your condition, Health Insurance Ignorance, is in fact pre-existing. If you read the tiny, tiny print of your health insurance policy, you will find that we use the term "pre-existing condition" as a loophole to avoid paying for things that will cut into our ridiculously good profits. I mean seriously, we are raking it in. We've actually had to order more rakes to ensure we pick up every last penny. However, if you can't read the tiny, tiny print, that's probably because we don't offer coverage for eye exams or corrective lenses. In addition, it appears that treating your condition would require treatment for severe Factual Deficiency, which would entail experimental education treatments that we are under no obligation to pay for. It would also appear that an underlying condition to your HII is that you are experiencing extreme and paralyzing fear of socialism. Again, please refer to your policy, but the plan that you are enrolled in does not offer mental health coverage. In this case, the only treatment that we will pay for is to have you show up at the town hall meeting of your local congressional leader and shout ignorant things at them. It won't help your condition, but it will help us keep the Acme Rake corporation in business. I did mention the rakes right? Also, we need some of those canvas sacks with dollar signs on the side, so we have somewhere to store all this stuff. Right now, we just let our executives have a giant orgy on top of it.
We are sorry for any inconvenience this denial may cause you. Please fill out the attached appeal form and mail it to the following address:
Jose Nototheway
100 Fat Chance Lane
Hell's Frozen Tundra, NY 00090
We would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that we plan on raising your insurance premiums, effective immediately. We're trying to keep them growing at least three times faster than your wages ever will. Not that your wages will increase, because word on the street is your company will be laying you off, at which point you will have thirty days before your insurance policy with us will end. Sorry about that, but isn't this what is great about America? Where else on Earth could we have the freedom to literally decide who lives and dies based on our profit margins? It makes me want to wrap myself in the American flag and sing Yankee Doodle Dandy. I mean if you were in Canada, you'd have Socialized Medicine, where you would be have to wait in line for months to undergo a stress test in front of a death panel. If you failed, you would go to the gulag, where you would be forced to build communes for hippies, stoke the flames of the American flag incinerator, and assemble dirty bombs for Osama Bin Laden. At least you live in America, where you have the best health care in the world*!
*when we say best, we mean 37th, according to the World Health Organziation, but they are just a bunch of Debbie Downers
So, as you can see, by denying your care, we are fighting socialism, flag burning and terrorism. When you hear "The Star Spangled Banner," think about the extraordinary bravery and patriotism it took for us to deny you life saving care. Sure you're dead, but at least you will be able to tell your children you saved the American Dream. Well you won't be able to tell them, because you're dead, but perhaps you could leave a note for them about it. Unless what killed you is a heritable disease, because we won't cover them either, so you can just save the note and tell them when you are both in the afterlife.
Thank you,
The American Health Insurance companies
Monday, July 20, 2009
Reader Request 3: An Open Letter to Charlie Manuel & Ruben Amaro, Jr.
The third installment of Reader Request, as requested by Maggie:
Dear Charlie & Ruben,
Charlie, let me just start this little missive by complementing you on your recent weight loss. It's nice to see your belt again and it makes it less painful to watch you trot out to the mound....
Anyways, when this letter was originally conceived the team was in a bit of a malaise, a June Swoon, a down and dirty funk. Rollins was bff with the Mendoza line, we couldn't win a series at home, Interleague Play...things got bad there for a while. Real bad. Benching Jimmy Rollins for like three games kind of bad. But things got better. You kept a steady hand and everything has been looking up since then. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I do have some suggestions that might keep things moving along swimmingly.
1) I think it might be time to start looking for a new hitting coach. I know you are very loyal to your guys, but seriously, Milt Thompson? How about someone who was actually a good hitter when he was player? Our organization has Mike Schmidt as a special advisor during spring training, how about we get him to do it? My concern with Milt Thompson is that he doesn't seem to be doing any actual coaching. It should not have taken three months for Jimmy Rollins to figure out that he wasn't doing the right thing with his stride. I mean every game is video taped, and a good coach would have spotted that right away...Someone should be working with Ryan Howard everyday to better pick up and hit breaking pitches. That's seriously all he gets thrown, and if he were able to better hit those pitches, he would be a crazy threat, and would also get more fastballs to drive. Any player who swings at a high fastball should be benched for the next game. I understand these are grown men and that Charlie, your policy is to let them work through their own issues, but these are some disturbing hitting trends that I think could be addressed with a new hitting coach. We also have a tendency to be too aggressive in the wrong situations. Take for example, when the opposing pitcher walks the two batters in front of you and you swing at the first pitch. That's just basic common sense. I'm sorry Milt, but I don't think you're doing your job. I think with more consistent coaching, this offense could be more productive, which would just be sick. Ryan Howard could hit .290 and Chase could hit more like .320.
2) Charlie, you don't really have much to do with this one, but Ruben, please for the love of Harry Kalas' memory, do something about the TV broadcasters. They are horrible. Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler have no chemistry between them, and they never, ever stop talking. And no one has any clue what Sarge is ever talking about, but at least he's only there for a few innings. I'll give you an example of typical banter...
Tom - "Well Wheels, that brings up John Smith for the Nationals, who is 0-2 so far in
this game against Hamels, with 1 out and a runner on 2nd.
Wheels - "Yea Tom, but the good news for the Phillies is that since 2001 with one out
and a runner on second, while facing the Nationals, in the month of July, during the
second week of a new moon, opposing teams have scored only 1 out of 3 times...
Tom - "That is quite a stat Wheels, good work..."
Wheels - "Well, since I was too small and nerdy to play any sports myself, I obtained
valuable insight and statistical knowledge about the game by being the scorekeeper or
equipment manager for my little league and high school varsity teams. And I just want to
give all of that information out to the fans, who really appreciate it.
Tom - "Wheels, when we're here in the booth, do you ever hear that soft groaning, and
notice that over there in the corner there is a pile of pipe ash and spreading wet spot? Oh
wait, John Smith has popped up to Howard who has to drift over to the stands, and there
is out number two....
Wheels - "Tom, we generally don't call the play an out until they have actually caught the
ball and/or the umpire has made an out sign. It's on page 476 of the Major League Rule
Book, you really ought to read the selections that I highlighted for you. But I didn't notice
that debris in the corner...I wonder what it could mean?"
:::Grizzled Janitor comes in::: - "You pompous fools! You are desecrating the booth once
occupied by Whitey and Harry Kalas! This pipe ash is from Whitey's ghost, who is
dumping it here to show his disgust with what this has become! And this wet spot is
Harry Kalas' tears, I often catch his ghost here weeping...They're trying to tell you to get
out, you are not worthy of those chairs....mark my words gentlemen, there is a curse upon
those chairs, that will punish those who are not their true heirs...BEWARE THE CURSE..
Wheels - "Gotta love the hard working people on our janitor staff, they got that mess
cleaned up real quick. Here's another stat about the Nationals, if you make an anagram
of the name of their bench coach, it spells, Nats will win! I figured that out this morning
while going through my stat archives. It's kind of like the batcave, it's pretty cool...
Sarge :::enters wearing a pimp fedora::: - "It's only cool if you wear a ridiculous pimp hat
Wheels, even though we're broadcasters and no one can really tell if it's on."
I may have embellished a little bit, but that's pretty much word for word...
3) GET HALLADAY...After much deliberation on this, I have decided that it would be the best thing we can do. On the whole, I like home grown talent, I like carefully cultivating players through the farm system until they blossom on the major league stage and all your hard work pays off. It worked for our current crop of players: Rollins, Utley, Howard, Hamels, Myers, Victorino, they are all from our farm system. We have a remarkably talented core of players, and they are all in their prime. We don't need any prospects who are position players because we have really good guys who are going to be playing there for a long time. There are no guarantees on our pitching prospects either. For every Hamels, there are inconsistent players who were highly touted prospects, like Kyle Kendrick or Gavin Floyd. If we get Halladay now, we can have him for two playoffs, this year and next. Imagine a playoff pitching rotation with Hamels (the real Hamels, not this seasons's one), a healthy and effective Brett Myers and Halladay. I mean the guy is so dominant in the American League! Think of how good he'd be in the crappier National League. If we get him and everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) we have a chance at a true dynasty while we have our core players in their prime. And for the most part it's home grown talent. We can afford to lose the prospects, we're not in a rebuilding phase and won't be for a while. We have to maximize the chance to win now. I say we offer Drabek, Carrasco, Brown and one or two lesser prospects, I would prefer to keep Happ, just because I think he could be helpful to us as well, although I'm not sure we know enough about how he's going to be over the long term. But we have to get Halladay and if that is going to require giving up Happ, then we do it. I have a feeling that the Blue Jays are going to lower their asking price as no one seems to be jumping at them with what they want now. I think the Blue Jays have to move Halladay now because I think his value is at a peak. If they wait until next year, he'll just be a rental and they won't get nearly as much for him or most teams with money will just wait until he is a free agent. There was something I was reading earlier that said that Charlie, you and Pat Gillick are all for the Halladay trade, while Ruben, you are hesistant. Um Pat Gillick is a genius who got us to this point, so you had better get this thing done Rubio. If you don't, I'm going to start calling you Ed Wade, Jr.
Dear Charlie & Ruben,
Charlie, let me just start this little missive by complementing you on your recent weight loss. It's nice to see your belt again and it makes it less painful to watch you trot out to the mound....
Anyways, when this letter was originally conceived the team was in a bit of a malaise, a June Swoon, a down and dirty funk. Rollins was bff with the Mendoza line, we couldn't win a series at home, Interleague Play...things got bad there for a while. Real bad. Benching Jimmy Rollins for like three games kind of bad. But things got better. You kept a steady hand and everything has been looking up since then. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I do have some suggestions that might keep things moving along swimmingly.
1) I think it might be time to start looking for a new hitting coach. I know you are very loyal to your guys, but seriously, Milt Thompson? How about someone who was actually a good hitter when he was player? Our organization has Mike Schmidt as a special advisor during spring training, how about we get him to do it? My concern with Milt Thompson is that he doesn't seem to be doing any actual coaching. It should not have taken three months for Jimmy Rollins to figure out that he wasn't doing the right thing with his stride. I mean every game is video taped, and a good coach would have spotted that right away...Someone should be working with Ryan Howard everyday to better pick up and hit breaking pitches. That's seriously all he gets thrown, and if he were able to better hit those pitches, he would be a crazy threat, and would also get more fastballs to drive. Any player who swings at a high fastball should be benched for the next game. I understand these are grown men and that Charlie, your policy is to let them work through their own issues, but these are some disturbing hitting trends that I think could be addressed with a new hitting coach. We also have a tendency to be too aggressive in the wrong situations. Take for example, when the opposing pitcher walks the two batters in front of you and you swing at the first pitch. That's just basic common sense. I'm sorry Milt, but I don't think you're doing your job. I think with more consistent coaching, this offense could be more productive, which would just be sick. Ryan Howard could hit .290 and Chase could hit more like .320.
2) Charlie, you don't really have much to do with this one, but Ruben, please for the love of Harry Kalas' memory, do something about the TV broadcasters. They are horrible. Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler have no chemistry between them, and they never, ever stop talking. And no one has any clue what Sarge is ever talking about, but at least he's only there for a few innings. I'll give you an example of typical banter...
Tom - "Well Wheels, that brings up John Smith for the Nationals, who is 0-2 so far in
this game against Hamels, with 1 out and a runner on 2nd.
Wheels - "Yea Tom, but the good news for the Phillies is that since 2001 with one out
and a runner on second, while facing the Nationals, in the month of July, during the
second week of a new moon, opposing teams have scored only 1 out of 3 times...
Tom - "That is quite a stat Wheels, good work..."
Wheels - "Well, since I was too small and nerdy to play any sports myself, I obtained
valuable insight and statistical knowledge about the game by being the scorekeeper or
equipment manager for my little league and high school varsity teams. And I just want to
give all of that information out to the fans, who really appreciate it.
Tom - "Wheels, when we're here in the booth, do you ever hear that soft groaning, and
notice that over there in the corner there is a pile of pipe ash and spreading wet spot? Oh
wait, John Smith has popped up to Howard who has to drift over to the stands, and there
is out number two....
Wheels - "Tom, we generally don't call the play an out until they have actually caught the
ball and/or the umpire has made an out sign. It's on page 476 of the Major League Rule
Book, you really ought to read the selections that I highlighted for you. But I didn't notice
that debris in the corner...I wonder what it could mean?"
:::Grizzled Janitor comes in::: - "You pompous fools! You are desecrating the booth once
occupied by Whitey and Harry Kalas! This pipe ash is from Whitey's ghost, who is
dumping it here to show his disgust with what this has become! And this wet spot is
Harry Kalas' tears, I often catch his ghost here weeping...They're trying to tell you to get
out, you are not worthy of those chairs....mark my words gentlemen, there is a curse upon
those chairs, that will punish those who are not their true heirs...BEWARE THE CURSE..
Wheels - "Gotta love the hard working people on our janitor staff, they got that mess
cleaned up real quick. Here's another stat about the Nationals, if you make an anagram
of the name of their bench coach, it spells, Nats will win! I figured that out this morning
while going through my stat archives. It's kind of like the batcave, it's pretty cool...
Sarge :::enters wearing a pimp fedora::: - "It's only cool if you wear a ridiculous pimp hat
Wheels, even though we're broadcasters and no one can really tell if it's on."
I may have embellished a little bit, but that's pretty much word for word...
3) GET HALLADAY...After much deliberation on this, I have decided that it would be the best thing we can do. On the whole, I like home grown talent, I like carefully cultivating players through the farm system until they blossom on the major league stage and all your hard work pays off. It worked for our current crop of players: Rollins, Utley, Howard, Hamels, Myers, Victorino, they are all from our farm system. We have a remarkably talented core of players, and they are all in their prime. We don't need any prospects who are position players because we have really good guys who are going to be playing there for a long time. There are no guarantees on our pitching prospects either. For every Hamels, there are inconsistent players who were highly touted prospects, like Kyle Kendrick or Gavin Floyd. If we get Halladay now, we can have him for two playoffs, this year and next. Imagine a playoff pitching rotation with Hamels (the real Hamels, not this seasons's one), a healthy and effective Brett Myers and Halladay. I mean the guy is so dominant in the American League! Think of how good he'd be in the crappier National League. If we get him and everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) we have a chance at a true dynasty while we have our core players in their prime. And for the most part it's home grown talent. We can afford to lose the prospects, we're not in a rebuilding phase and won't be for a while. We have to maximize the chance to win now. I say we offer Drabek, Carrasco, Brown and one or two lesser prospects, I would prefer to keep Happ, just because I think he could be helpful to us as well, although I'm not sure we know enough about how he's going to be over the long term. But we have to get Halladay and if that is going to require giving up Happ, then we do it. I have a feeling that the Blue Jays are going to lower their asking price as no one seems to be jumping at them with what they want now. I think the Blue Jays have to move Halladay now because I think his value is at a peak. If they wait until next year, he'll just be a rental and they won't get nearly as much for him or most teams with money will just wait until he is a free agent. There was something I was reading earlier that said that Charlie, you and Pat Gillick are all for the Halladay trade, while Ruben, you are hesistant. Um Pat Gillick is a genius who got us to this point, so you had better get this thing done Rubio. If you don't, I'm going to start calling you Ed Wade, Jr.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Reader Request 2: Jon + Kate + 8 = ?
And now we shall begin the second portion of the reader request series, and the lucky winner is Casey! Yay!! I realize in my last entry I said I would write this the next day, and I did start to do so, but I hit some major writer's block half way through. It was the MJ memorial, I was just too emotionally drained because the mainstream media kept telling me how moving Paris' impromptu address was and showing it to me to remind me. I have now recovered, and finally have "We are the World" out of my head.
So let me preface this editorializing with some very important facts and disclaimers. First, I have only seen half of an episode of "Jon & Kate Plus 8," so my judgments are very narrowly based on what little I have seen, snippets that I have caught when my mom was watching it and what the people on the T.V. tell me to think about it. Secondly, recent population estimates put the world population at 9 billion by the year 2050. In the year 2050, if I haven't died of an aneurysm or fled to the wilderness to escape humanity, I will be 65 years old and will be just old enough to tell my children "I remember back in the day when Americans turned 65 and started collecting Social Security, but that was before the Earth was destroyed by the Baby Boomers. Thanks Mom and Dad." But that will be in Chinese and muttered under my breath while I am in a sweatshop working with all the other American slaves.
My first thought on the whole big shitstorm (that might not be a strong enough fecal weather event to accurately describe this...perhaps a shit-nami or shitblizzard of the century) surrounding this show is that it seems like the "Reality T.V." thing should be sooo totally over by now. I mean wasn't the first season of Survivor like after my freshman year in high school? Which was 1999-2000? I feel that we should move on to something else, although I don't know how much lower we can go at this point. Other than just watching TV fuzz, which might actually be preferable to some of the things that are being offered. I mean could I just get one scripted comedy or drama that isn't inane and could hold my attention? I promise I will watch, even the commercials so that the advertisers will be happy!
I also don't really understand the appeal of the show. I mean ostensibly, a majority of the people who watch it have their own families and children. I just find it odd that a parent who spends all day taking care of their real kids plops down on the couch in the evening and is like "Hmm, I think I'll watch these people 'parent' their kids! What a stretch for me..." I use the airquotes around the term parents with respect to John and Kate because while they are biologically the mother and father of those children, I debate if what they are doing to them is technically parenting. In my opinion it is at best exploitation and at worst prostitution.
So let's start at the very beginning shall we? A very good place to start indeed. Ma and Pa Gosselin...The only word that I can consistently come up with to describe these two is narcissistic. Actually it's two words, extraordinarily narcissistic. I suppose that it could be argued that all breeding is inherently narcissistic. I mean, two people set out to make little amalgamations of themselves to raise into adults who will survive them and keep them alive. Evolutionarily it makes sense. However, in nature if you can't breed, you don't. What makes Jon and Kate incredibly narcissistic is that they used In Vitro Fertilization because Kate had like cystic ovaries or her uterus was anti-baby or something, I'm not sure of the medical details. Perhaps her uterus was just being prophetic, it recognized that these people probably shouldn't be parents, so it put the kibash on it. The first time, it resulted in twins. After the twins, they were like "Hey, let's try for one more." First of all, it isn't normal that you wanted more kids after having twins. Most people wouldn't press their luck. They would take their two kids and go home and buy a minivan. Second, the definition of insanity is doing the EXACT same thing over again and expecting a different result. "Hmm, let's just go to the same fertility doctor that gave us one set of multiples and see if we can just get one this time." You can't do that and then be surprised when your uterus becomes a clown car. Not to mention that they probably spent a small fortune on trying to bring these little science experiments into the world. A world that is already teeming with children waiting to be adopted. It's like spending two thousand dollars on a puppy when there are 50 puppies at the kennel waiting to be adopted. I guess Jon and Kate had to have kids that looked just like them. I mean it would even have been the fashionable thing for them to do, go to a foreign, impoverished country and grab a few and you're just like Angelina or Madonna. But no, we had to spend a few Gs and get some super cute half-asian babies that will have Jon's receding hairline and Kate's penchant for harping...
So now Jon and Kate are stuck with the Plus 8. I mean, I don't think they realize how lucky they are that those sextuplets don't have more problems. The human body is a remarkable piece of machinery, but uteruses (is the plural uteri?) don't do litters of fetuses very well. There is only so much room and only so many nutrients to go around. I mean you're not a golden retriever. Higher order mammals have fewer fetuses and concentrate all the resources onto that one fetus. Mother Nature does not like to have her law and order violated and thrown in her face like that. It's not cool...
So where are we now..."normal" young couple Jon and Kate now have 8 little kids. Jon's a little on the schlubby side, his hairline is making a retreat to rear of the troops, and Kate pretty much looked how I expect someone who housed eight people in her body would look. Frumpy, tired and defeated. Here comes voyeuristic TLC, to do a documentary on how in the world you would go about dealing with all those babies. It's popular, but I would say that a show that features car accidents would be as well. Voyeurism has long been a favorite human pastime. I'm not really clear on how a couple of documentary features on TLC or Discovery Health turned into what J&K+8 is now, but I guess it was very popular? Plus, they were just like every American family, they had pancake breakfasts and went to the zoo and there were fights and tantrums, but at the end of the day it was all about the love and taking care of those adorable little hasian munchkins. Move over Donna Reed, eat some Jell-o Heathcliff Huxtable, America has a new happy, perfect family! Except that it's not 1950's television, filling our heads with mom and apple pie so that we didn't crap our pants because the Soviets were slowly pointing all of their nuclear weapons at us...
Having not really watched the show, I think that the whole situation can be understood by looking at the before and after pictures of Jon and Kate. You don't even need to bring the kids into it, just do a little split-screen action on those two crazy kids. Pre-show, Jon is the schlubby everyman, destined to be played in a movie about his life by Jim Belushi or that guy from King of Queens. Currently, he has diamond earrings in both ears and wears designer tees and clothes. He got hair plugs and started using hair product and has filled out his application for The Royal Douchebag Society (he's a shoo-in). Alright, well if I looked bad and then saw myself on national television, I would probably change a few things up. Pre-show, Kate was a casual mom who probably should have been nominated for What Not to Wear. Now she's a fashion maven, with perfect clothes, manicures, spray-tan and the world's most unfortunate hair cut. I mean seriously, what is with that. If America generally thinks that you are a hard-ass nag, it doesn't help change your image to go out and get the most angular, harsh cut with some of the least subtle highlights I have ever seen. You should have gone for a little pixie cut or the Dorothy Hamill or anything that isn't what is currently happening. It's like business on the left, masochism on the right. Also, I'm not entirely sure that it is actually hair. It seems like more of a helmet, which is probably smart. With eight kids, you are bound to get hit with something along the way. This way, you can be sure that you won't get a concussion. It's probably made of teflon or something that is easy to wipe down at the end of the day. She also had plastic surgery, but if you saw the picture of her stomach after having six babies in it, you would probably do it too. I mean it looked like she had an ass on her front..like it literally had an ass-like furrow and probably could have worn at least a B-cup bra. It was not pretty.
So the show is a runaway success, and Ma and Pa Gosselin start milking that cash cow for all it is worth. I guess I don't really blame them, I mean if you don't make a ridiculous amount of money there is just no way that you can afford to have eight kids. You'll have to sell one or more on the black market. They are getting like $75,000 an episode and they move into a giant ass house, and they are at the height of their fame, on top of the world! From the episode I watched, the show now just appears to be a giant advertisement for whatever product the family was given for free. This week's sponsor was "Crooked Houses," some company that builds whimsical play houses for kids. I just googled it, and first, these houses cost between $1300-4500. You could have just gotten a refrigerator box and put it in the yard, that's what most of us normal kids got. Second, there is no "as seen on Jon and Kate" mention on the main page, as the company is probably attempting to distance itself from the train wreck. I have no problem with product placement, but two moments stood out as disturbing. First, the kids were running around in "Crooked House" t-shirts. By most standard definitions, you have turned your kid into an adorable, hasian billboard. I mean prop that kid up on the side of the highway and it would pretty much be the same thing. The second part was when they sat all the kids down and the producer was like "So, how much do you like your crooked houses?" A testimonial? From six year olds? Is Kate off camera saying "If you don't say how much you love the crooked house, mommy doesn't get paid, and if mommy doesn't get paid she can't afford to keep all of you..." How is this even remotely reality? When I was little I wasn't given free stuff and then forced to say how much I liked it. Well, actually, when my relatives would give me an ugly sweater for Christmas, I would have to lie through my teeth and say "Wow, I really like the purple sequins! I will definitely wear this," but that is a standard rite of passage and an important character building exercise.
These greedy narcissists are pretty much whoring out their children, so that they can get insanely wealthy and get lots of attention. Sitting in her mansion, wearing her designer sunglasses, Kate says "We're doing all of this for the kids! To give them a better life...." No, that's what you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night. The real reason is because you are a self-centered glutton who is gobbling up everything that she can while there is a feast to be had. If you really wanted the best for your kids you would stop this insanity, take your marital problems off national television and be done with the show.
What you have successfully done Jon and Kate, is to begin to raise eight future "former child stars," and that is a golden pathway to happiness, wealth and satisfaction. I'm sorry, did I say that it was a golden pathway? I misspoke, it's definitely not. Here's how it's going to go down, it's not as if we haven't seen this before. I mean don't you people get E!?...if you don't, google "True Hollywood Story," and learn grasshopper. So, the TLC show runs for another year or so, but it is now Jon, Kate and Eight or Jon, his mistress, his ex-wife and estranged children or something, and the Gosselin fifteen minutes get stretched to their limit, as long as America is still interested. The kids hit their awkward pre-pubescent phase and America is disgusted by their acne and braces and hey, look, another freakishly large family has a show and the audience moves on. The kids don't understand why they don't get free crooked houses or why no one knows or cares who they are. They come into young adulthood. They will try to fill the holes in their souls with drugs. Desparate to regain the spotlight, one or more of your children will star in adult films titled "Octopussy" or "Jon and Kate Do Eight." There will be naked photographs and rehab. I hope you two are at least saving some of this J&K+8 money in some sort of trust that will be used to pay for the years of therapy your life choices for them will require. All of the children will then write tell-all books and be featured on "Where are they now?" vignettes on entertainment shows.
I mean based on the over-population of the planet, I am inclined to hate all uberbreeders, so don't feel like that freaky Jesus family with 18 kids, the other giant families and the octomom are getting off, but it just bothers me that these people are all over the media telling us that it's not about them it's about the kids, and how they hate losing their privacy and what has happened to them, all the while still taking all the free crap and money. I thank you and your family for consuming inordinant amount of resources and contributing to the irrevocable raping of Earth, it's really super.
So let me preface this editorializing with some very important facts and disclaimers. First, I have only seen half of an episode of "Jon & Kate Plus 8," so my judgments are very narrowly based on what little I have seen, snippets that I have caught when my mom was watching it and what the people on the T.V. tell me to think about it. Secondly, recent population estimates put the world population at 9 billion by the year 2050. In the year 2050, if I haven't died of an aneurysm or fled to the wilderness to escape humanity, I will be 65 years old and will be just old enough to tell my children "I remember back in the day when Americans turned 65 and started collecting Social Security, but that was before the Earth was destroyed by the Baby Boomers. Thanks Mom and Dad." But that will be in Chinese and muttered under my breath while I am in a sweatshop working with all the other American slaves.
My first thought on the whole big shitstorm (that might not be a strong enough fecal weather event to accurately describe this...perhaps a shit-nami or shitblizzard of the century) surrounding this show is that it seems like the "Reality T.V." thing should be sooo totally over by now. I mean wasn't the first season of Survivor like after my freshman year in high school? Which was 1999-2000? I feel that we should move on to something else, although I don't know how much lower we can go at this point. Other than just watching TV fuzz, which might actually be preferable to some of the things that are being offered. I mean could I just get one scripted comedy or drama that isn't inane and could hold my attention? I promise I will watch, even the commercials so that the advertisers will be happy!
I also don't really understand the appeal of the show. I mean ostensibly, a majority of the people who watch it have their own families and children. I just find it odd that a parent who spends all day taking care of their real kids plops down on the couch in the evening and is like "Hmm, I think I'll watch these people 'parent' their kids! What a stretch for me..." I use the airquotes around the term parents with respect to John and Kate because while they are biologically the mother and father of those children, I debate if what they are doing to them is technically parenting. In my opinion it is at best exploitation and at worst prostitution.
So let's start at the very beginning shall we? A very good place to start indeed. Ma and Pa Gosselin...The only word that I can consistently come up with to describe these two is narcissistic. Actually it's two words, extraordinarily narcissistic. I suppose that it could be argued that all breeding is inherently narcissistic. I mean, two people set out to make little amalgamations of themselves to raise into adults who will survive them and keep them alive. Evolutionarily it makes sense. However, in nature if you can't breed, you don't. What makes Jon and Kate incredibly narcissistic is that they used In Vitro Fertilization because Kate had like cystic ovaries or her uterus was anti-baby or something, I'm not sure of the medical details. Perhaps her uterus was just being prophetic, it recognized that these people probably shouldn't be parents, so it put the kibash on it. The first time, it resulted in twins. After the twins, they were like "Hey, let's try for one more." First of all, it isn't normal that you wanted more kids after having twins. Most people wouldn't press their luck. They would take their two kids and go home and buy a minivan. Second, the definition of insanity is doing the EXACT same thing over again and expecting a different result. "Hmm, let's just go to the same fertility doctor that gave us one set of multiples and see if we can just get one this time." You can't do that and then be surprised when your uterus becomes a clown car. Not to mention that they probably spent a small fortune on trying to bring these little science experiments into the world. A world that is already teeming with children waiting to be adopted. It's like spending two thousand dollars on a puppy when there are 50 puppies at the kennel waiting to be adopted. I guess Jon and Kate had to have kids that looked just like them. I mean it would even have been the fashionable thing for them to do, go to a foreign, impoverished country and grab a few and you're just like Angelina or Madonna. But no, we had to spend a few Gs and get some super cute half-asian babies that will have Jon's receding hairline and Kate's penchant for harping...
So now Jon and Kate are stuck with the Plus 8. I mean, I don't think they realize how lucky they are that those sextuplets don't have more problems. The human body is a remarkable piece of machinery, but uteruses (is the plural uteri?) don't do litters of fetuses very well. There is only so much room and only so many nutrients to go around. I mean you're not a golden retriever. Higher order mammals have fewer fetuses and concentrate all the resources onto that one fetus. Mother Nature does not like to have her law and order violated and thrown in her face like that. It's not cool...
So where are we now..."normal" young couple Jon and Kate now have 8 little kids. Jon's a little on the schlubby side, his hairline is making a retreat to rear of the troops, and Kate pretty much looked how I expect someone who housed eight people in her body would look. Frumpy, tired and defeated. Here comes voyeuristic TLC, to do a documentary on how in the world you would go about dealing with all those babies. It's popular, but I would say that a show that features car accidents would be as well. Voyeurism has long been a favorite human pastime. I'm not really clear on how a couple of documentary features on TLC or Discovery Health turned into what J&K+8 is now, but I guess it was very popular? Plus, they were just like every American family, they had pancake breakfasts and went to the zoo and there were fights and tantrums, but at the end of the day it was all about the love and taking care of those adorable little hasian munchkins. Move over Donna Reed, eat some Jell-o Heathcliff Huxtable, America has a new happy, perfect family! Except that it's not 1950's television, filling our heads with mom and apple pie so that we didn't crap our pants because the Soviets were slowly pointing all of their nuclear weapons at us...
Having not really watched the show, I think that the whole situation can be understood by looking at the before and after pictures of Jon and Kate. You don't even need to bring the kids into it, just do a little split-screen action on those two crazy kids. Pre-show, Jon is the schlubby everyman, destined to be played in a movie about his life by Jim Belushi or that guy from King of Queens. Currently, he has diamond earrings in both ears and wears designer tees and clothes. He got hair plugs and started using hair product and has filled out his application for The Royal Douchebag Society (he's a shoo-in). Alright, well if I looked bad and then saw myself on national television, I would probably change a few things up. Pre-show, Kate was a casual mom who probably should have been nominated for What Not to Wear. Now she's a fashion maven, with perfect clothes, manicures, spray-tan and the world's most unfortunate hair cut. I mean seriously, what is with that. If America generally thinks that you are a hard-ass nag, it doesn't help change your image to go out and get the most angular, harsh cut with some of the least subtle highlights I have ever seen. You should have gone for a little pixie cut or the Dorothy Hamill or anything that isn't what is currently happening. It's like business on the left, masochism on the right. Also, I'm not entirely sure that it is actually hair. It seems like more of a helmet, which is probably smart. With eight kids, you are bound to get hit with something along the way. This way, you can be sure that you won't get a concussion. It's probably made of teflon or something that is easy to wipe down at the end of the day. She also had plastic surgery, but if you saw the picture of her stomach after having six babies in it, you would probably do it too. I mean it looked like she had an ass on her front..like it literally had an ass-like furrow and probably could have worn at least a B-cup bra. It was not pretty.
So the show is a runaway success, and Ma and Pa Gosselin start milking that cash cow for all it is worth. I guess I don't really blame them, I mean if you don't make a ridiculous amount of money there is just no way that you can afford to have eight kids. You'll have to sell one or more on the black market. They are getting like $75,000 an episode and they move into a giant ass house, and they are at the height of their fame, on top of the world! From the episode I watched, the show now just appears to be a giant advertisement for whatever product the family was given for free. This week's sponsor was "Crooked Houses," some company that builds whimsical play houses for kids. I just googled it, and first, these houses cost between $1300-4500. You could have just gotten a refrigerator box and put it in the yard, that's what most of us normal kids got. Second, there is no "as seen on Jon and Kate" mention on the main page, as the company is probably attempting to distance itself from the train wreck. I have no problem with product placement, but two moments stood out as disturbing. First, the kids were running around in "Crooked House" t-shirts. By most standard definitions, you have turned your kid into an adorable, hasian billboard. I mean prop that kid up on the side of the highway and it would pretty much be the same thing. The second part was when they sat all the kids down and the producer was like "So, how much do you like your crooked houses?" A testimonial? From six year olds? Is Kate off camera saying "If you don't say how much you love the crooked house, mommy doesn't get paid, and if mommy doesn't get paid she can't afford to keep all of you..." How is this even remotely reality? When I was little I wasn't given free stuff and then forced to say how much I liked it. Well, actually, when my relatives would give me an ugly sweater for Christmas, I would have to lie through my teeth and say "Wow, I really like the purple sequins! I will definitely wear this," but that is a standard rite of passage and an important character building exercise.
These greedy narcissists are pretty much whoring out their children, so that they can get insanely wealthy and get lots of attention. Sitting in her mansion, wearing her designer sunglasses, Kate says "We're doing all of this for the kids! To give them a better life...." No, that's what you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night. The real reason is because you are a self-centered glutton who is gobbling up everything that she can while there is a feast to be had. If you really wanted the best for your kids you would stop this insanity, take your marital problems off national television and be done with the show.
What you have successfully done Jon and Kate, is to begin to raise eight future "former child stars," and that is a golden pathway to happiness, wealth and satisfaction. I'm sorry, did I say that it was a golden pathway? I misspoke, it's definitely not. Here's how it's going to go down, it's not as if we haven't seen this before. I mean don't you people get E!?...if you don't, google "True Hollywood Story," and learn grasshopper. So, the TLC show runs for another year or so, but it is now Jon, Kate and Eight or Jon, his mistress, his ex-wife and estranged children or something, and the Gosselin fifteen minutes get stretched to their limit, as long as America is still interested. The kids hit their awkward pre-pubescent phase and America is disgusted by their acne and braces and hey, look, another freakishly large family has a show and the audience moves on. The kids don't understand why they don't get free crooked houses or why no one knows or cares who they are. They come into young adulthood. They will try to fill the holes in their souls with drugs. Desparate to regain the spotlight, one or more of your children will star in adult films titled "Octopussy" or "Jon and Kate Do Eight." There will be naked photographs and rehab. I hope you two are at least saving some of this J&K+8 money in some sort of trust that will be used to pay for the years of therapy your life choices for them will require. All of the children will then write tell-all books and be featured on "Where are they now?" vignettes on entertainment shows.
I mean based on the over-population of the planet, I am inclined to hate all uberbreeders, so don't feel like that freaky Jesus family with 18 kids, the other giant families and the octomom are getting off, but it just bothers me that these people are all over the media telling us that it's not about them it's about the kids, and how they hate losing their privacy and what has happened to them, all the while still taking all the free crap and money. I thank you and your family for consuming inordinant amount of resources and contributing to the irrevocable raping of Earth, it's really super.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Reader Request 1: Sanford and Sons
Alright, so my first entry goes out to McClure because she was the first person to request it. Since the votes were tied for the three selections and I'm feeling in a writing mood, I will address all three topics, plus this one will include a bonus feature on Michael Jackson because it does in fact relate to the Mark Sanford saga.
So remember when this story began? We all thought that Mark had gone off to commune with nature on the Appalachian Trail. Sure it seemed odd that he didn't tell anyone where he was going, but it was kind of admirable in this day and age, to go off on your own in the woods, leaving behind the modern world, seeking oneness with Mother Nature and enjoying the delights of the national treasure that is the Appalachian Trail. Hey, it worked for Thoreau. I mean everyone was kind of worried at first because he had missed Father's Day, and hadn't been seen for a few days. I think I can safely speak for everyone: we all secretly thought he was bear food, so we were hesitant to make too many jokes for fear that once his mauled carcass was found on the trail, they would be seen as tasteless (not that that fact really stops anyone). I couldn't help but feel in the back of my mind that something wasn't right about this. If you're in charge of the state of South Carolina, can you really just leave without telling anyone? Don't you at least have to tell your security people and make sure the Lieutenant Governor does not do anything life threatening because he might need to take charge in case of a bear attack? Call me a cynic, but anytime a politician disappears, you have to suspect that they are off boinking their mistress, a gay "massuese", a stripper, a female or male prostitute or committing some violation of the sanctity of their own marriage vows.
Oh how right I was. Let me preface this paragraph by emphasizing how much I love, love, love it when self-professed saintly Evangelical Christians who have made previous statements judging the affairs of other politicians, fall on the sharp sword of their own hypocrisy. Nothing is more satisfying! I mean, Sanford was in some secret wacko club called the Fellowship or Promise Keepers or some sort of clandestine group that is slowly eroding the principle of separation of church and state. He admonished Bill Clinton for the whole Monica Lewinsky thing, and called for his impeachment. He's also against gay marriage, ostensibly for the reasons of protecting the holy, holy sanctity of marriage. He was setting himself up for a spectacular fall!! But this turned out to be soooo much better, and much more entertaining than anyone could have imagined.
Where did the Governor of South Carolina disappear to? No, not the Appalachian Trail to think and write in the solitude of the wilderness, but to Buenos Aires, Argentina, where he was "breaking up" with his Latin lover Maria. Disregarding the cheating on his wife, this guy clearly demonstrated that he doesn't have the mental capacity to lead a brass band, much less a state or a campaign for president. He was on the right track in that if he was going to have an affair, probably best to do it in another country, where you won't be recognized going in and out of your love nest, and where the press probably doesn't know who you are. However, he didn't think that far ahead. I mean if you get caught, you need to have a country that's forgettable or not all that interesting, not one which is the setting for an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Seriously, you should have gone with Paraguay or Ecuador. Those countries could use the recognition and would have resulted in less mockery. You can't say you spent your "Lost Weekend" crying in Argentina and then be surprised when the headlines the next day read "Don't cry for me, Argentina." You set yourself up for that. Second, if you were really going to be doing something that you did not want people to know about, you should have left a note or something, or at least given your staff the heads up so that they could come up with a better excuse for your disappearance. I know you thought you were giving everyone the slip, but frankly, it only made your absence more conspicuous. I mean how can you expect voters to have confidence in your ability to be commander in chief if you can't even manage ONE covert operation into Argentina to bombard one specific target (depending on the level of Cialis involved) repeatedly for up to 36 hours.
So where on the hypocrisy level are we? Let's all consult the book of Exodus shall we? Marky Mark, that's the second book of the Bible, the one right after the one where the world was made in six days only six thousand years ago. We are a literal interpreter of the Bible right? That's what I thought...Ok well it looks like there is a clear violation of Commandment VII - Thou shalt not commit adultery, not too many loopholes with that one...Well let's just have a looksy and see what the penalty would be on that one...can't be too bad right? I mean it's only seventh on the list so let's just flip this book on over to Deuteronomy and see what Jehovah might have in store for you Sanford...I'm sure it will just be a slap on the wrist...Ah here we go "The Consequences of Disobedience"... Oh...well it looks like God may curse your entire existence and bring disease and plague upon you and your family for up to four generations...or you and Maria will be immediately put to death...Well that was a little harsher than expected, eh? Sorry, it's your book not mine, I'm just doing the research for you. I don't think Promise Keeper Brotherhood is going to look to kindly on this one, you might not want to ixnay on the ariamay alktay...
So besides the schadenfreude that I already enjoyed from this story, Mark then exceeded my expectations of him by mistaking the regular press for one on one with Oprah and his apology speech for a candid recounting of his torrid love affair. Seriously, he just kept on talking and talking about how they met on a beautiful open-air dance floor and their eyes met and she's the love of his life and he's made mistakes and blah blah blah blah...Even the reporters were like "why is he telling us all this..." I mean normal cheater protocol...you have a press conference where your wronged wife stands next to you and doesn't speak, and you apologize, say that you have done wrong, that you are only human, but that you are going to rehab to deal with whatever fake problem it is that will get you out of the spotlight for a good six weeks. Simple, tried and true. You don't get up on television and announce that "Maria is my soul mate, but I will try to fall back in love with my wife." First of all, that clearly announces to your wife that you don't love her and gives her very little reason to try and work it out at all. Second, divorce lawyers around the country heard that and hurdled each other to call your wife and become her attorney so that they could ass-rape you in the divorce proceedings. Though with your track record with the Good Book, you can't really risk a sodomizing, so you might just want to give her the beach house and all your money, just in case.
Then you crown off your royal douchebaggery, you decide NOT to step down and compare yourself to King David. Now I haven't gotten that far in my Bible reading, so I'm going to go do some quick Wikipedia action on that little nugget. Ok so seems like David is a righteous dude, I know that he slayed Goliath with a slingshot and what not. He's King of the Jews, so that has to be a pretty cushy title, so far a good comparison for you buddy. Ooo, here it's getting apt, he commits adultery too! Maybe you're smarter than you I am giving you credit for...or not...So David sleeps with Bethsheba, who is this other dude's wife and gets her knocked up. Then in order to conceal the identity of the baby's father, he calls the husband back and is like "have sex with your wife," but the guy is like at war and doesn't have the time, so David has the husband's posse abandon him so that he dies out there on the battlefied. Then he marries Bathsheba and God is like "Whoa buddy, this is not cool" and God, in his merciful wisdom sickens and causes the death of the baby. I guess David is eventually redeemed, but isn't that presuming an awful lot there Marko? Are you a baby killer Mark?
So the hits just keep on coming for Mark and I'm all set for the next embarassing incident. Maybe he'll sing "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" a capella for some reporters from the front lawn of his house where his wife has thrown all of his belongings. What's this? OH MY GOD MICHAEL JACKSON DIED! I mean not just your average run of the mill celebrity, but someone who is famous worldwide, and a tragic human trainwreck! The news media jumped from Sanford's backyard to Neverland Ranch faster than you can say I need a one way ticket to lala land. When all this dies down Mark, I think that you should take whatever money is in your PAC or your secret 2012 presidential campaign warchest and put it in a trust for Michael Jackson's kids, because you owe this guy huge for dying at the best possible moment for you. He saved you so much media flak, it's not even funny. Think about how slow of a news cycle it would been. If it had just been Farrah, you would have been in trouble. And let's be real, you're never going to make a run for it now, not after your crazy post-affair antics and your impending removal from your job because you're not even smart enough to pay for your flight to Argentina with your own money. Judging from the debts that MJ had racked up, Blanket is going to need that money for college, or at least the legal fees to change his name from Blanket.
Rest in peace MJ...Good luck with God's wrath there Marko, I'm sure I will read all about how it all turns out in Jenny's book.
Tomorrow, Jon and Kate...
So remember when this story began? We all thought that Mark had gone off to commune with nature on the Appalachian Trail. Sure it seemed odd that he didn't tell anyone where he was going, but it was kind of admirable in this day and age, to go off on your own in the woods, leaving behind the modern world, seeking oneness with Mother Nature and enjoying the delights of the national treasure that is the Appalachian Trail. Hey, it worked for Thoreau. I mean everyone was kind of worried at first because he had missed Father's Day, and hadn't been seen for a few days. I think I can safely speak for everyone: we all secretly thought he was bear food, so we were hesitant to make too many jokes for fear that once his mauled carcass was found on the trail, they would be seen as tasteless (not that that fact really stops anyone). I couldn't help but feel in the back of my mind that something wasn't right about this. If you're in charge of the state of South Carolina, can you really just leave without telling anyone? Don't you at least have to tell your security people and make sure the Lieutenant Governor does not do anything life threatening because he might need to take charge in case of a bear attack? Call me a cynic, but anytime a politician disappears, you have to suspect that they are off boinking their mistress, a gay "massuese", a stripper, a female or male prostitute or committing some violation of the sanctity of their own marriage vows.
Oh how right I was. Let me preface this paragraph by emphasizing how much I love, love, love it when self-professed saintly Evangelical Christians who have made previous statements judging the affairs of other politicians, fall on the sharp sword of their own hypocrisy. Nothing is more satisfying! I mean, Sanford was in some secret wacko club called the Fellowship or Promise Keepers or some sort of clandestine group that is slowly eroding the principle of separation of church and state. He admonished Bill Clinton for the whole Monica Lewinsky thing, and called for his impeachment. He's also against gay marriage, ostensibly for the reasons of protecting the holy, holy sanctity of marriage. He was setting himself up for a spectacular fall!! But this turned out to be soooo much better, and much more entertaining than anyone could have imagined.
Where did the Governor of South Carolina disappear to? No, not the Appalachian Trail to think and write in the solitude of the wilderness, but to Buenos Aires, Argentina, where he was "breaking up" with his Latin lover Maria. Disregarding the cheating on his wife, this guy clearly demonstrated that he doesn't have the mental capacity to lead a brass band, much less a state or a campaign for president. He was on the right track in that if he was going to have an affair, probably best to do it in another country, where you won't be recognized going in and out of your love nest, and where the press probably doesn't know who you are. However, he didn't think that far ahead. I mean if you get caught, you need to have a country that's forgettable or not all that interesting, not one which is the setting for an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Seriously, you should have gone with Paraguay or Ecuador. Those countries could use the recognition and would have resulted in less mockery. You can't say you spent your "Lost Weekend" crying in Argentina and then be surprised when the headlines the next day read "Don't cry for me, Argentina." You set yourself up for that. Second, if you were really going to be doing something that you did not want people to know about, you should have left a note or something, or at least given your staff the heads up so that they could come up with a better excuse for your disappearance. I know you thought you were giving everyone the slip, but frankly, it only made your absence more conspicuous. I mean how can you expect voters to have confidence in your ability to be commander in chief if you can't even manage ONE covert operation into Argentina to bombard one specific target (depending on the level of Cialis involved) repeatedly for up to 36 hours.
So where on the hypocrisy level are we? Let's all consult the book of Exodus shall we? Marky Mark, that's the second book of the Bible, the one right after the one where the world was made in six days only six thousand years ago. We are a literal interpreter of the Bible right? That's what I thought...Ok well it looks like there is a clear violation of Commandment VII - Thou shalt not commit adultery, not too many loopholes with that one...Well let's just have a looksy and see what the penalty would be on that one...can't be too bad right? I mean it's only seventh on the list so let's just flip this book on over to Deuteronomy and see what Jehovah might have in store for you Sanford...I'm sure it will just be a slap on the wrist...Ah here we go "The Consequences of Disobedience"... Oh...well it looks like God may curse your entire existence and bring disease and plague upon you and your family for up to four generations...or you and Maria will be immediately put to death...Well that was a little harsher than expected, eh? Sorry, it's your book not mine, I'm just doing the research for you. I don't think Promise Keeper Brotherhood is going to look to kindly on this one, you might not want to ixnay on the ariamay alktay...
So besides the schadenfreude that I already enjoyed from this story, Mark then exceeded my expectations of him by mistaking the regular press for one on one with Oprah and his apology speech for a candid recounting of his torrid love affair. Seriously, he just kept on talking and talking about how they met on a beautiful open-air dance floor and their eyes met and she's the love of his life and he's made mistakes and blah blah blah blah...Even the reporters were like "why is he telling us all this..." I mean normal cheater protocol...you have a press conference where your wronged wife stands next to you and doesn't speak, and you apologize, say that you have done wrong, that you are only human, but that you are going to rehab to deal with whatever fake problem it is that will get you out of the spotlight for a good six weeks. Simple, tried and true. You don't get up on television and announce that "Maria is my soul mate, but I will try to fall back in love with my wife." First of all, that clearly announces to your wife that you don't love her and gives her very little reason to try and work it out at all. Second, divorce lawyers around the country heard that and hurdled each other to call your wife and become her attorney so that they could ass-rape you in the divorce proceedings. Though with your track record with the Good Book, you can't really risk a sodomizing, so you might just want to give her the beach house and all your money, just in case.
Then you crown off your royal douchebaggery, you decide NOT to step down and compare yourself to King David. Now I haven't gotten that far in my Bible reading, so I'm going to go do some quick Wikipedia action on that little nugget. Ok so seems like David is a righteous dude, I know that he slayed Goliath with a slingshot and what not. He's King of the Jews, so that has to be a pretty cushy title, so far a good comparison for you buddy. Ooo, here it's getting apt, he commits adultery too! Maybe you're smarter than you I am giving you credit for...or not...So David sleeps with Bethsheba, who is this other dude's wife and gets her knocked up. Then in order to conceal the identity of the baby's father, he calls the husband back and is like "have sex with your wife," but the guy is like at war and doesn't have the time, so David has the husband's posse abandon him so that he dies out there on the battlefied. Then he marries Bathsheba and God is like "Whoa buddy, this is not cool" and God, in his merciful wisdom sickens and causes the death of the baby. I guess David is eventually redeemed, but isn't that presuming an awful lot there Marko? Are you a baby killer Mark?
So the hits just keep on coming for Mark and I'm all set for the next embarassing incident. Maybe he'll sing "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" a capella for some reporters from the front lawn of his house where his wife has thrown all of his belongings. What's this? OH MY GOD MICHAEL JACKSON DIED! I mean not just your average run of the mill celebrity, but someone who is famous worldwide, and a tragic human trainwreck! The news media jumped from Sanford's backyard to Neverland Ranch faster than you can say I need a one way ticket to lala land. When all this dies down Mark, I think that you should take whatever money is in your PAC or your secret 2012 presidential campaign warchest and put it in a trust for Michael Jackson's kids, because you owe this guy huge for dying at the best possible moment for you. He saved you so much media flak, it's not even funny. Think about how slow of a news cycle it would been. If it had just been Farrah, you would have been in trouble. And let's be real, you're never going to make a run for it now, not after your crazy post-affair antics and your impending removal from your job because you're not even smart enough to pay for your flight to Argentina with your own money. Judging from the debts that MJ had racked up, Blanket is going to need that money for college, or at least the legal fees to change his name from Blanket.
Rest in peace MJ...Good luck with God's wrath there Marko, I'm sure I will read all about how it all turns out in Jenny's book.
Tomorrow, Jon and Kate...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Blog Update?
So I realize it's been a while since my last post, but sooo much has happened that I have opinions and judgements on that it's too hard to choose what to write about! So I'm going to make a list of possible topics, there will be a vote and whatever garners the most votes will be the subject of my blog entry! Yay democracy, and just like in Iran, if I don't like the outcome, I will just create a landslide victory in the direction that I want to go...
So here is the list:
1) Jon and Kate + 8 + D.I.V.O.R.C.E - I know this is a little cliche, but I don't watch the show and Gail Collins wrote a Times OpEd about it so I feel that it's fair for me to weigh in as well with my vitriolic hatred for these people.
2) The Governor of South Carolina...I mean come on how freaking funny is this story right now. As Jon Stewart said last night nothing is better than "conservative men with liberal penises"
3) The Team That Shall Not Be Named - I won't enjoy discussing this, but I do have the desire to vent about how they barely resemble a professional baseball team at present. Also, I have trade scenarios and the definitive version of the lineup.
Write-ins will also be accepted. Enjoy!
So here is the list:
1) Jon and Kate + 8 + D.I.V.O.R.C.E - I know this is a little cliche, but I don't watch the show and Gail Collins wrote a Times OpEd about it so I feel that it's fair for me to weigh in as well with my vitriolic hatred for these people.
2) The Governor of South Carolina...I mean come on how freaking funny is this story right now. As Jon Stewart said last night nothing is better than "conservative men with liberal penises"
3) The Team That Shall Not Be Named - I won't enjoy discussing this, but I do have the desire to vent about how they barely resemble a professional baseball team at present. Also, I have trade scenarios and the definitive version of the lineup.
Write-ins will also be accepted. Enjoy!
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