So I was reading an article earlier about President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court, and it got me thinking about why more people don't want or really angle to become Supreme Court justices. I mean little kids are all like "I want to grow up and be president," and every person elected to any public office probably has a wet dream about one day becoming Commander in Chief, but if you really think about it, being President is kind of a shitty ass job. I mean you're pretty much on-call every waking moment of your life, you live in your office, your hair turns white after about four years and basically you have to fix/pay lip service to everything that happens, even if you have no control over it. Iran tries to build a nuclear device? You're the one that's on the phone to Tehran, trying to talk them out of it, all the while planning your secret invasion strategy. American car companies fail? You're the one out there trying to say to people with a straight face that there isn't anything wrong with American made cars, they're great! Every family should have two! What's that your rearview mirror fell off for no reason? (true story)
Ok, so being president sucks, let's take an old looksypoo at the legislative branch...what's that? Everyone always hates congress. I mean Congress has a 22% approval rating and these were the people who got elected by a sweeping popular tide of change. So if I remember my Schoolhouse Rocks correctly, a law is created in the legislature, but they're like surrogate mothers, once that shit is popped out, you have no control over it. It's out there, and you're just watching it fromthe sidelines. So then the bill moseys on over to the White House where the president whips out his pen and says I'm going to execute this shit, which I guess is a more powerful position than just making something and letting it fly free...
So let's say you're an idealistic liberal like myself...I could run for congress, where I would have to sell out my ideals in order to get enough campaign donors to support my candidacy, go to Congress and the second I get there have to run for reelection and never get anything done but pay back favors to the powerful interests who got me elected. I could run for president, but the same campaign financing restrictions would apply, and even if I could manage to maintain a small scrap of my progressive ideals, I would have no means of implementing great changes if congress disagreed with me.
Here's the beauty of being a Supreme Court justice. All I would have to do is play it cool for like 15 years, work on legal causes that aren't controversial, never say or write anything controversial, read the constitution and wait for my appointment. If I'm not controversial, I should pass confirmation with no problemo, and then I can be like "suck it bitches, eat some of this liberal opinion," and they can't fire me and I never have to be reelected. Plus, you have a uniform! You could probably rock some sweatpants under that robe and no one would know or care. Or even if you did just totally scrub it to work that day, there are no cameras or anything in the court chamber so it would be no big deal. All you have to do is get some Harvard law school smarties to do all the actual work/research and then you just get to sit back and judge. I mean I am nothing if not a world-class judger, it's in the title of my damn blog. And writing opinions? What is a blog if not a forum for me to distill my thoughts into a pure, vitriolic liquour of opinion. And you have the job for life, so it's a pretty steady gig, so you can cancel your membership to careerbuilder.com...Also, you get summers off, so you can totally get a beach house and live it up. AND NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU DO. Apparently, David Souter lived alone in a tiny cabin for his entire life, and no one questioned any of it. And even if you do throw a crazy party at your summer home, and some intrepid reporter finds out about it, you can't get fired! You're totally under the radar, no one in America cares about the Supreme Court, so you can pretty much slowly dismantle legal conservatism and no one will notice. Hell, you could slowly dismantle the entire system and no one would notice, until it interferred with them watching American Idol. "Why is the picture box not working anymore?..."
These thoughts outlined in the above paragraphs are in no way endorsed or sanctioned by future Supreme Court Justice Megan Kardine. (gotta cover my bases)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Grand Theft Chocolate
I love dark chocolate M&Ms, but grocery stores and Wawa and places have stopped carrying the small single serving bags, leaving you to have to purchase the giant sized bags, which you open and eat like two handfuls and then you take it home and your dad eats the rest. The single serving is the perfect sized for a dark chocolate boost when you have that craving, it hits the spot. I was discussing this with this woman that I work with, who really likes the dark chocolate peanut M&Ms, which are OK but I prefer the plain ones. Anywho, she was shopping at the dollar store or five below or something and she found the single serving bags of dark chocolate M&Ms. Being a very nice person, she bought me three bags and brought them to me on Monday. I was so excited! Especially since I tend to have a blood sugar crash at around three or four in the afternoon and I felt that those M&Ms would hit the freaking spot. I had one of the bags on Monday afternoon, and I put the other two back in the plastic shopping bag that they came in and left them in a bin on my desk. I was off on Tuesday, and no one was doing shipment, so they should have been just sitting their protected in their plastic cocoon until I returned on Wednesday to eat them. So move ahead in time and it comes to Wednesday afternoon, and it's the first day of my period and I'm tired and crabby and I want to put those M&Ms in my mouth and show them the world. I go over to my bin and I open the plastic bag and I see only one remaining bag. I was a little confused, but I was doubting myself. Maybe I miscounted the number of bags initially and there were only two. The woman who bought them for me was going to be in on Thursday, so I figured I would wait and check with her.
Thursday dawns, a beautiful day, and I go up to the my friend who so generously gave me M&Ms and ask "Hey, how many bags of M&Ms did you bring me on Monday?" Instantly, she replies "Three." There was no doubt, no hesitation. Now, I must face the fact that a co-worker took a bag of MY M&Ms. Just took them and left no note, didn't ask, nothing. I instantly create a mental list of suspects who were all present in the store at the time of the crime:
1) Ron, my boss, who would have no reason to go over to my desk. Although he does like dark chocolate, he doesn't take things from other people. Suspicion level low
2) Nicole, my other boss, who is on a serious diet, and who doesn't like dark chocolate. Suspicion level low
3) Jill, the assistant manager, who is a notorious food hog, morbidly obese and regularly steals food that is in the fridge. Loves dark chocolate M&MS and would have been near my desk to look at something on the computer. Also a pathological liar who uses food as her emotional crutch. Suspicion level high.
I mean the thing that is ridiculous about the whole thing is that there was free cake widely available for public consumption, yet the fat whore went and took my M&Ms. I don't even want to talk about how wrong it is to take other people's stuff, but to have to secretly steal someone elses candy to satisfy your gargantuan appetite/maintain your 70% body fat is just pathetic. And then apparently she was complaining to another co-worker about how she's having trouble losing weight. I'm pretty sure that stolen M&Ms are very high in calories. Guilt is very fattening. I mean it wouldn't bother me as much if it were a person that I liked to begin with, but Jill is like the most dishonest person that I know, so it's just like the final straw. Then I asked her about it, and she totally lied and said it wasn't her. When you say "Honestly, it wasn't me", while darting your eyes and looking away, you're lying. And I don't like being lied to...I mean seriously how immature do you have to be to steal someone's chocolate and lie about it. The problem is I have no definitive proof. I am considering setting a trap now, leaving some candy as bait that will easily identify her as the culprit, but it's difficult logistically...I will let you know if I come up with a way to catch the theif...Too much for one bag of M&Ms? I think not...
Thursday dawns, a beautiful day, and I go up to the my friend who so generously gave me M&Ms and ask "Hey, how many bags of M&Ms did you bring me on Monday?" Instantly, she replies "Three." There was no doubt, no hesitation. Now, I must face the fact that a co-worker took a bag of MY M&Ms. Just took them and left no note, didn't ask, nothing. I instantly create a mental list of suspects who were all present in the store at the time of the crime:
1) Ron, my boss, who would have no reason to go over to my desk. Although he does like dark chocolate, he doesn't take things from other people. Suspicion level low
2) Nicole, my other boss, who is on a serious diet, and who doesn't like dark chocolate. Suspicion level low
3) Jill, the assistant manager, who is a notorious food hog, morbidly obese and regularly steals food that is in the fridge. Loves dark chocolate M&MS and would have been near my desk to look at something on the computer. Also a pathological liar who uses food as her emotional crutch. Suspicion level high.
I mean the thing that is ridiculous about the whole thing is that there was free cake widely available for public consumption, yet the fat whore went and took my M&Ms. I don't even want to talk about how wrong it is to take other people's stuff, but to have to secretly steal someone elses candy to satisfy your gargantuan appetite/maintain your 70% body fat is just pathetic. And then apparently she was complaining to another co-worker about how she's having trouble losing weight. I'm pretty sure that stolen M&Ms are very high in calories. Guilt is very fattening. I mean it wouldn't bother me as much if it were a person that I liked to begin with, but Jill is like the most dishonest person that I know, so it's just like the final straw. Then I asked her about it, and she totally lied and said it wasn't her. When you say "Honestly, it wasn't me", while darting your eyes and looking away, you're lying. And I don't like being lied to...I mean seriously how immature do you have to be to steal someone's chocolate and lie about it. The problem is I have no definitive proof. I am considering setting a trap now, leaving some candy as bait that will easily identify her as the culprit, but it's difficult logistically...I will let you know if I come up with a way to catch the theif...Too much for one bag of M&Ms? I think not...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Jeopardy!
So I found out today that I've been selected to audition as a contestant for Jeopardy in NYC! I took the online test a while ago, and I had completely forgotten about it, but then Alex called and was like "Megan, come try out for the show!" No, not really, it was an e-mail. The weird part was that the e-mail was like:
You're invited to audition to become a jeopardy contestant
DATE: June 23rd, 2009
PLACE: New York City
Like I'm just supposed to mosey on up to the Big Apple where my audition will take place? I mean at least put down a borough or something. I hope there will be more specifics later, or perhaps this is some sort of challenge. The people who determine the mystery location of the audition get to be on the show, while the rest of the people wander around Central Park or Times Square and get mugged.
Did anyone else read that William and Mary now holds the Guinness World Record for the most people doing the Thriller dance at one time? I mean is there anything weirder than that? And that I read about it in the Philadelphia Inquirer instead of one of the bevy of alumni e-mails that I get on a daily basis? Possibly if the alumni association was more interested in keeping alumni informed of current campus happenings as opposed to trying to get me to call a special hot line and be part of an alumni directory, I would have known about such a remarkable accomplishment. Also the record is 242 people, which I guess is impressive, but I don't think it will stand for very long. I mean I guess if 242 people memorize and do the entire video dance, well then that is impressive, because that requires a lot of planning and studying. So I guess in that respect, it's pretty standard that William and Mary would try and break a record that requires a lot of studying and practice.
Jon Stewart mentioned W&M tonight on The Daily Show when he was talking about Obama at Notre Dame, and they showed this girl who had taped a cross and baby feet on the top of her cap, and Jon mentioned that he wore a replica of Colonial Williamsburg made entirely out of dildos on his head...TRIBE PRIDE! Also, Glenn Close was on Oprah last week, so we Tribe Alum are out there in the media.
You're invited to audition to become a jeopardy contestant
DATE: June 23rd, 2009
PLACE: New York City
Like I'm just supposed to mosey on up to the Big Apple where my audition will take place? I mean at least put down a borough or something. I hope there will be more specifics later, or perhaps this is some sort of challenge. The people who determine the mystery location of the audition get to be on the show, while the rest of the people wander around Central Park or Times Square and get mugged.
Did anyone else read that William and Mary now holds the Guinness World Record for the most people doing the Thriller dance at one time? I mean is there anything weirder than that? And that I read about it in the Philadelphia Inquirer instead of one of the bevy of alumni e-mails that I get on a daily basis? Possibly if the alumni association was more interested in keeping alumni informed of current campus happenings as opposed to trying to get me to call a special hot line and be part of an alumni directory, I would have known about such a remarkable accomplishment. Also the record is 242 people, which I guess is impressive, but I don't think it will stand for very long. I mean I guess if 242 people memorize and do the entire video dance, well then that is impressive, because that requires a lot of planning and studying. So I guess in that respect, it's pretty standard that William and Mary would try and break a record that requires a lot of studying and practice.
Jon Stewart mentioned W&M tonight on The Daily Show when he was talking about Obama at Notre Dame, and they showed this girl who had taped a cross and baby feet on the top of her cap, and Jon mentioned that he wore a replica of Colonial Williamsburg made entirely out of dildos on his head...TRIBE PRIDE! Also, Glenn Close was on Oprah last week, so we Tribe Alum are out there in the media.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Thought Smorgasborg
1) Tina Fey is the sharpest writer on the best show on television, and it gets better every week. If you don't watch it or you don't get it, the prospect of a future friendship may be doomed.
2) I was thumbing through the catalog at work and I stumbled across a model who I believe to be Saleisha, AKA Tyra clone from America's Next Top Model. She's more prominently featured on the website, so I'm going to need some fresh eyes to confirm that it is in fact her.
3) I have nothing to say about the Phillies right now except that their play is mocking me at the moment. Cole Hamels pitches well and one of the best offenses in the league scores one run. Then they manage to come back in the bottom of the ninth only to give the game right back in the tenth, forcing me to sit through another full inning of specrapular play. Really nice guys, i want that half hour back. At least they get to go to the White House tomorrow, and the world will marvel at the team and president who both have enormous potential and are currently squandering it on mediocrity. Run with your liberal instincts Barack...run with them
4) Am I the only one who was probably thinking the same things that Wanda Sykes was saying about Rush Limbaugh? I mean it's probably not nice to joke about his body failing over time because the man is morbidly obese and has a history of drug abuse, so it's only a matter of time before he joins the great Reagan Revolution in the sky...
5) I am also taking bets that by the time the Pope gets back from Israel, he has pissed off both the Jews and the Muslims. I mean I'm amazed at how many people actually care what an old man in a ridiculous hat has to say. I mean if an ordinary person wore a hat like that and then said "I am the leader of God's one true church, so listen up my homies..." Everyone would be like, if God is omnipotent, you would think he would at least update the wardrobe every few years. It's not like the Vatican doesn't have the money, just sell some of the collection from the lesser Renaissance masters...But they might still be paying a lot of hush money to altar boys, so they might want to wait on that one...
2) I was thumbing through the catalog at work and I stumbled across a model who I believe to be Saleisha, AKA Tyra clone from America's Next Top Model. She's more prominently featured on the website, so I'm going to need some fresh eyes to confirm that it is in fact her.
3) I have nothing to say about the Phillies right now except that their play is mocking me at the moment. Cole Hamels pitches well and one of the best offenses in the league scores one run. Then they manage to come back in the bottom of the ninth only to give the game right back in the tenth, forcing me to sit through another full inning of specrapular play. Really nice guys, i want that half hour back. At least they get to go to the White House tomorrow, and the world will marvel at the team and president who both have enormous potential and are currently squandering it on mediocrity. Run with your liberal instincts Barack...run with them
4) Am I the only one who was probably thinking the same things that Wanda Sykes was saying about Rush Limbaugh? I mean it's probably not nice to joke about his body failing over time because the man is morbidly obese and has a history of drug abuse, so it's only a matter of time before he joins the great Reagan Revolution in the sky...
5) I am also taking bets that by the time the Pope gets back from Israel, he has pissed off both the Jews and the Muslims. I mean I'm amazed at how many people actually care what an old man in a ridiculous hat has to say. I mean if an ordinary person wore a hat like that and then said "I am the leader of God's one true church, so listen up my homies..." Everyone would be like, if God is omnipotent, you would think he would at least update the wardrobe every few years. It's not like the Vatican doesn't have the money, just sell some of the collection from the lesser Renaissance masters...But they might still be paying a lot of hush money to altar boys, so they might want to wait on that one...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Phillies Phun Phacts
So the Dodgers are back in town, sans Manny, AKA The Man Whose Testicles Stopped Working, and we won the first game...woo maybe we can actually win this series. You can do it guys!
1) My new strategy for every game that Chan Ho Park pitches is to verbally bash him at every opportunity, because when I do that he seems to pitch better. I think he also must pitch well when he thinks he's going to lose his job...He was awesome in Spring Training because he didn't have the fifth starter's spot, and he was great last start versus the Mets because there were rumblings that they might let Happ start in his stead. So after every start Charlie or someone just needs to say "You did ok, but Happ has been looking real good in his sessions, might have to give him a shot..." So take my insults with pride Chan Ho, it's for your own good that I call you Chan Ho Park A Few Home Runs or Korean Home Run Machine...it's for your own good
2) Jimmy Rollins did not bat leadoff and we won! I was not a fan of the Utley 2nd Werth 3rd situation, but I have a feeling that was because the pitcher was a lefty. I also don't think that Rollins is hitting well enough to protect Ryan Howard, so I'm not sure the fifth spot is right for him, perhaps sixth or seventh until he realizes that he cannot try to hit home runs every at bat. I mean everyone and their blind friend can see that he's way too anxious at every at bat, so he needs to just take a chill pill and hopefully the real Jimmy Rollins will return. I am tempted to blame this on the World Baseball Classic, because it's stupid and no one cares and it will just get all the good players hurt for the regular season.
3) Props to Werth for having four stolen bases and for stealing home! I love when people steal home, I think you should get like a special bonus for doing it. An extra run or something...maybe more people would attempt it.
4) Some asshole at the broadcast setup gave Tom McCarthy a telestrator tonight. Maybe it was always there and they weren't allowed to use it, but he drew some circles on Chan Ho Park's head to illustrate why the Phillies were concerned about him staying in the game. I have no fucking idea what point he was trying to make, and I hope that he is not allowed to use it ever again. Who do you think you are, John Madden trying to explain a blitz? It's baseball, there is no need to draw lines or circles or anything on the screen. The fact that Tom used one makes me suspect that he realizes no one likes the TV broadcast team anymore and he's pulling out all the gimmicks to win them back. I think it's time to say it, time to fill the gaping Harry Kalas hole with something that isn't Tom McCarthy and Wheels prattling on endlessly for the entire game. And Sarge at least doesn't talk all the time, but half the time he doesn't even say things that make sense. Like today someone hit a really hard line drive and Sarge is like "That ball was LITERALLY smoked, i mean smoked." First of all Sarge, you are a former professional athlete, so don't try to get linguistically sophisticated, you're just going to look like an idiot. Second of all, if the ball were literally smoked, using the definition of smoked that is widely accepted in the English language, the batter would have dried the ball, wrapped it some rolling paper and taken a few puffs. And poor Wheels, I mean he's a nice enough man, but will someone please take the Elias Sports Bureau statistics away from him? "In the seventh inning, before an out has been recorded, in the month of April, the Phillies have an average of .652, which is highest in the league." Color Wheels, not statistics (heehee, unintentional punnery), color is funny, anecdotal, yes some statistics, meaningful ones, not just a look how much homework Wheels has done experiment. Franzke and L.A., I seriously hope you get the job and stat.
5) Remember when Brad Lidge could strike out three guys in a row for an easy save? Now I feel like there should be a drinking game. Every time Lidge's fastball is not where it's supposed to be, take a shot. After two batters you will be so drunk that you will either be very happy when he finally closes it out or at least not so nerve-wracked as he slowly blows it. Brad come back, we miss you, and bring the starters with you!
1) My new strategy for every game that Chan Ho Park pitches is to verbally bash him at every opportunity, because when I do that he seems to pitch better. I think he also must pitch well when he thinks he's going to lose his job...He was awesome in Spring Training because he didn't have the fifth starter's spot, and he was great last start versus the Mets because there were rumblings that they might let Happ start in his stead. So after every start Charlie or someone just needs to say "You did ok, but Happ has been looking real good in his sessions, might have to give him a shot..." So take my insults with pride Chan Ho, it's for your own good that I call you Chan Ho Park A Few Home Runs or Korean Home Run Machine...it's for your own good
2) Jimmy Rollins did not bat leadoff and we won! I was not a fan of the Utley 2nd Werth 3rd situation, but I have a feeling that was because the pitcher was a lefty. I also don't think that Rollins is hitting well enough to protect Ryan Howard, so I'm not sure the fifth spot is right for him, perhaps sixth or seventh until he realizes that he cannot try to hit home runs every at bat. I mean everyone and their blind friend can see that he's way too anxious at every at bat, so he needs to just take a chill pill and hopefully the real Jimmy Rollins will return. I am tempted to blame this on the World Baseball Classic, because it's stupid and no one cares and it will just get all the good players hurt for the regular season.
3) Props to Werth for having four stolen bases and for stealing home! I love when people steal home, I think you should get like a special bonus for doing it. An extra run or something...maybe more people would attempt it.
4) Some asshole at the broadcast setup gave Tom McCarthy a telestrator tonight. Maybe it was always there and they weren't allowed to use it, but he drew some circles on Chan Ho Park's head to illustrate why the Phillies were concerned about him staying in the game. I have no fucking idea what point he was trying to make, and I hope that he is not allowed to use it ever again. Who do you think you are, John Madden trying to explain a blitz? It's baseball, there is no need to draw lines or circles or anything on the screen. The fact that Tom used one makes me suspect that he realizes no one likes the TV broadcast team anymore and he's pulling out all the gimmicks to win them back. I think it's time to say it, time to fill the gaping Harry Kalas hole with something that isn't Tom McCarthy and Wheels prattling on endlessly for the entire game. And Sarge at least doesn't talk all the time, but half the time he doesn't even say things that make sense. Like today someone hit a really hard line drive and Sarge is like "That ball was LITERALLY smoked, i mean smoked." First of all Sarge, you are a former professional athlete, so don't try to get linguistically sophisticated, you're just going to look like an idiot. Second of all, if the ball were literally smoked, using the definition of smoked that is widely accepted in the English language, the batter would have dried the ball, wrapped it some rolling paper and taken a few puffs. And poor Wheels, I mean he's a nice enough man, but will someone please take the Elias Sports Bureau statistics away from him? "In the seventh inning, before an out has been recorded, in the month of April, the Phillies have an average of .652, which is highest in the league." Color Wheels, not statistics (heehee, unintentional punnery), color is funny, anecdotal, yes some statistics, meaningful ones, not just a look how much homework Wheels has done experiment. Franzke and L.A., I seriously hope you get the job and stat.
5) Remember when Brad Lidge could strike out three guys in a row for an easy save? Now I feel like there should be a drinking game. Every time Lidge's fastball is not where it's supposed to be, take a shot. After two batters you will be so drunk that you will either be very happy when he finally closes it out or at least not so nerve-wracked as he slowly blows it. Brad come back, we miss you, and bring the starters with you!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Welcome to the blogosphere, self...
So, here it is...the blog, the blogosky, the big bloggorino, the bloggy mcbloggerstein. the blogmeister:
The first post, the alpha, the birth of a new freedom...My blog has emerged, covered in afterbirth, screaming, terrified at the world outside of my brain. Perhaps writing down for posterity my many mindgrapes will allow me to fully realize that I'm a horrible person...perhaps not, but hopefully it will be fun....here goes nothing...
I'm not the kind of person who believes in astrology or celestial influence, but in my own personal observations, really crazy people seem to come into the store where I work around a full moon. And they came out in full force today, the first Monday (derived from the word moon) after the full moon this weekend. I mean it's not scientific, but there is definitely a crazy trend...
First off was this woman whose last name is actually, no lie, Smuck. I mean it's not enough that she wears giant baggy pants belted at her rib cage, hiking socks with sandals, giant headphones with a walkman and a hideous red jacket, but her last name is Smuck. Basically, last week she came in and spent an hour trying on pants, and she bought one pair. Tonight she comes back to return the pants she bought last week because "we changed the fit of our pants..." As if she hadn't tried them on last week. Now I knew when she bought the pants that is what she would do, it's who she is, she cannot help it. She once returned/purchased the same pair of flannel lined jeans three times, which is why some in the biz call her "flannel lined jeans lady," but I refer to her as the Smuckster. Part of the reason I don't think the Smuckster's pants fit properly is because she is wearing them at her bustline. No pants are made to be that high. Also she buys like three sizes bigger than she actually is. I mean the only reason I like her coming in is because her outfits are creatively horrifying. Each time the Smuckster outdoes herself.
Then came my nemesis, let's call her "Mary Ann" as that is her actual name. I don't like Mary Ann for a variety of reasons. First of all she's vapidly polite at all times. She has this singsongy voice , but you kind of get the feeling that her soul died back in the late nineties. The main reason I can't stand her is because she is always returning things. I mean always. She'll order 45 things from the catalog and over the span of three weeks return 40 items. I mean her success rate is so low that you would think she would stop ordering our stuff...but just as soon as she returns the stuff she brings in, she goes back to the catalog center and orders more. It's insane. I mean who has the time to live like this? Today was the worst, because she brought her three little boys AKA the devil children. I mean we get a lot of children who are poorly behaved and undisciplined, but these kids are the absolute worst. I mean they were crawling on the floor, screaming, beating each other, pulling things off shelves, and Mary Ann acted as if they were behaving as perfect angels. Tommy pulled down a display and brought it over to his mom and she was like "That's cool Tommy! Where did you find that?" It's not as if she didn't see how he got it, but they are allowed to touch everything and anything, which is fine at a petting zoo, but not when you don't actually own any of the stuff that your kids are destroying/I have to clean up after them. Who parents like this? I mean what if there is a sizable majority of kids who grow up by having their antisocial behavior rewarded? What will happen to the world? Where will I be able to hide? I know that one day these kids are going to injure themselves and Mary Ann is going to sue us, but I will be there to testify that she is a horrible mother and her children are a menace to society. I hate parents who think their kids are sooo perfect and wonderful and angelic. I mean let's be frank, most kids are obnoxious little bastards. Take off your rose colored kid goggles and realize that you've created a monster. I know dogs that are better behaved in public places and the law requires that they be on leashes, but these cretins can run loose because they are mommy or daddy's special little muffin? Any two freaks can create a child, it's not like it's some special honor given just to you because your children are just so wonderful. I mean my parents would never have let me get away with half of the stuff that I see kids do in public. One little girl earlier was like wiping her nose with her hand and then touching everything. Thanks little Suzy for giving everyone in the store swine flu and thanks to your mom who was too busy talking on her cell phone to deal with your unfortunate and disgusting hygeine issues.
All in all it was a long ass day...moral of the story, watch out for the full moon crazy people...
The first post, the alpha, the birth of a new freedom...My blog has emerged, covered in afterbirth, screaming, terrified at the world outside of my brain. Perhaps writing down for posterity my many mindgrapes will allow me to fully realize that I'm a horrible person...perhaps not, but hopefully it will be fun....here goes nothing...
I'm not the kind of person who believes in astrology or celestial influence, but in my own personal observations, really crazy people seem to come into the store where I work around a full moon. And they came out in full force today, the first Monday (derived from the word moon) after the full moon this weekend. I mean it's not scientific, but there is definitely a crazy trend...
First off was this woman whose last name is actually, no lie, Smuck. I mean it's not enough that she wears giant baggy pants belted at her rib cage, hiking socks with sandals, giant headphones with a walkman and a hideous red jacket, but her last name is Smuck. Basically, last week she came in and spent an hour trying on pants, and she bought one pair. Tonight she comes back to return the pants she bought last week because "we changed the fit of our pants..." As if she hadn't tried them on last week. Now I knew when she bought the pants that is what she would do, it's who she is, she cannot help it. She once returned/purchased the same pair of flannel lined jeans three times, which is why some in the biz call her "flannel lined jeans lady," but I refer to her as the Smuckster. Part of the reason I don't think the Smuckster's pants fit properly is because she is wearing them at her bustline. No pants are made to be that high. Also she buys like three sizes bigger than she actually is. I mean the only reason I like her coming in is because her outfits are creatively horrifying. Each time the Smuckster outdoes herself.
Then came my nemesis, let's call her "Mary Ann" as that is her actual name. I don't like Mary Ann for a variety of reasons. First of all she's vapidly polite at all times. She has this singsongy voice , but you kind of get the feeling that her soul died back in the late nineties. The main reason I can't stand her is because she is always returning things. I mean always. She'll order 45 things from the catalog and over the span of three weeks return 40 items. I mean her success rate is so low that you would think she would stop ordering our stuff...but just as soon as she returns the stuff she brings in, she goes back to the catalog center and orders more. It's insane. I mean who has the time to live like this? Today was the worst, because she brought her three little boys AKA the devil children. I mean we get a lot of children who are poorly behaved and undisciplined, but these kids are the absolute worst. I mean they were crawling on the floor, screaming, beating each other, pulling things off shelves, and Mary Ann acted as if they were behaving as perfect angels. Tommy pulled down a display and brought it over to his mom and she was like "That's cool Tommy! Where did you find that?" It's not as if she didn't see how he got it, but they are allowed to touch everything and anything, which is fine at a petting zoo, but not when you don't actually own any of the stuff that your kids are destroying/I have to clean up after them. Who parents like this? I mean what if there is a sizable majority of kids who grow up by having their antisocial behavior rewarded? What will happen to the world? Where will I be able to hide? I know that one day these kids are going to injure themselves and Mary Ann is going to sue us, but I will be there to testify that she is a horrible mother and her children are a menace to society. I hate parents who think their kids are sooo perfect and wonderful and angelic. I mean let's be frank, most kids are obnoxious little bastards. Take off your rose colored kid goggles and realize that you've created a monster. I know dogs that are better behaved in public places and the law requires that they be on leashes, but these cretins can run loose because they are mommy or daddy's special little muffin? Any two freaks can create a child, it's not like it's some special honor given just to you because your children are just so wonderful. I mean my parents would never have let me get away with half of the stuff that I see kids do in public. One little girl earlier was like wiping her nose with her hand and then touching everything. Thanks little Suzy for giving everyone in the store swine flu and thanks to your mom who was too busy talking on her cell phone to deal with your unfortunate and disgusting hygeine issues.
All in all it was a long ass day...moral of the story, watch out for the full moon crazy people...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)