Reader Request 1: Sanford and Sons

Alright, so my first entry goes out to McClure because she was the first person to request it. Since the votes were tied for the three selections and I'm feeling in a writing mood, I will address all three topics, plus this one will include a bonus feature on Michael Jackson because it does in fact relate to the Mark Sanford saga.

So remember when this story began? We all thought that Mark had gone off to commune with nature on the Appalachian Trail. Sure it seemed odd that he didn't tell anyone where he was going, but it was kind of admirable in this day and age, to go off on your own in the woods, leaving behind the modern world, seeking oneness with Mother Nature and enjoying the delights of the national treasure that is the Appalachian Trail. Hey, it worked for Thoreau. I mean everyone was kind of worried at first because he had missed Father's Day, and hadn't been seen for a few days. I think I can safely speak for everyone: we all secretly thought he was bear food, so we were hesitant to make too many jokes for fear that once his mauled carcass was found on the trail, they would be seen as tasteless (not that that fact really stops anyone). I couldn't help but feel in the back of my mind that something wasn't right about this. If you're in charge of the state of South Carolina, can you really just leave without telling anyone? Don't you at least have to tell your security people and make sure the Lieutenant Governor does not do anything life threatening because he might need to take charge in case of a bear attack? Call me a cynic, but anytime a politician disappears, you have to suspect that they are off boinking their mistress, a gay "massuese", a stripper, a female or male prostitute or committing some violation of the sanctity of their own marriage vows.

Oh how right I was. Let me preface this paragraph by emphasizing how much I love, love, love it when self-professed saintly Evangelical Christians who have made previous statements judging the affairs of other politicians, fall on the sharp sword of their own hypocrisy. Nothing is more satisfying! I mean, Sanford was in some secret wacko club called the Fellowship or Promise Keepers or some sort of clandestine group that is slowly eroding the principle of separation of church and state. He admonished Bill Clinton for the whole Monica Lewinsky thing, and called for his impeachment. He's also against gay marriage, ostensibly for the reasons of protecting the holy, holy sanctity of marriage. He was setting himself up for a spectacular fall!! But this turned out to be soooo much better, and much more entertaining than anyone could have imagined.

Where did the Governor of South Carolina disappear to? No, not the Appalachian Trail to think and write in the solitude of the wilderness, but to Buenos Aires, Argentina, where he was "breaking up" with his Latin lover Maria. Disregarding the cheating on his wife, this guy clearly demonstrated that he doesn't have the mental capacity to lead a brass band, much less a state or a campaign for president. He was on the right track in that if he was going to have an affair, probably best to do it in another country, where you won't be recognized going in and out of your love nest, and where the press probably doesn't know who you are. However, he didn't think that far ahead. I mean if you get caught, you need to have a country that's forgettable or not all that interesting, not one which is the setting for an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Seriously, you should have gone with Paraguay or Ecuador. Those countries could use the recognition and would have resulted in less mockery. You can't say you spent your "Lost Weekend" crying in Argentina and then be surprised when the headlines the next day read "Don't cry for me, Argentina." You set yourself up for that. Second, if you were really going to be doing something that you did not want people to know about, you should have left a note or something, or at least given your staff the heads up so that they could come up with a better excuse for your disappearance. I know you thought you were giving everyone the slip, but frankly, it only made your absence more conspicuous. I mean how can you expect voters to have confidence in your ability to be commander in chief if you can't even manage ONE covert operation into Argentina to bombard one specific target (depending on the level of Cialis involved) repeatedly for up to 36 hours.

So where on the hypocrisy level are we? Let's all consult the book of Exodus shall we? Marky Mark, that's the second book of the Bible, the one right after the one where the world was made in six days only six thousand years ago. We are a literal interpreter of the Bible right? That's what I thought...Ok well it looks like there is a clear violation of Commandment VII - Thou shalt not commit adultery, not too many loopholes with that one...Well let's just have a looksy and see what the penalty would be on that one...can't be too bad right? I mean it's only seventh on the list so let's just flip this book on over to Deuteronomy and see what Jehovah might have in store for you Sanford...I'm sure it will just be a slap on the wrist...Ah here we go "The Consequences of Disobedience"... Oh...well it looks like God may curse your entire existence and bring disease and plague upon you and your family for up to four generations...or you and Maria will be immediately put to death...Well that was a little harsher than expected, eh? Sorry, it's your book not mine, I'm just doing the research for you. I don't think Promise Keeper Brotherhood is going to look to kindly on this one, you might not want to ixnay on the ariamay alktay...

So besides the schadenfreude that I already enjoyed from this story, Mark then exceeded my expectations of him by mistaking the regular press for one on one with Oprah and his apology speech for a candid recounting of his torrid love affair. Seriously, he just kept on talking and talking about how they met on a beautiful open-air dance floor and their eyes met and she's the love of his life and he's made mistakes and blah blah blah blah...Even the reporters were like "why is he telling us all this..." I mean normal cheater protocol...you have a press conference where your wronged wife stands next to you and doesn't speak, and you apologize, say that you have done wrong, that you are only human, but that you are going to rehab to deal with whatever fake problem it is that will get you out of the spotlight for a good six weeks. Simple, tried and true. You don't get up on television and announce that "Maria is my soul mate, but I will try to fall back in love with my wife." First of all, that clearly announces to your wife that you don't love her and gives her very little reason to try and work it out at all. Second, divorce lawyers around the country heard that and hurdled each other to call your wife and become her attorney so that they could ass-rape you in the divorce proceedings. Though with your track record with the Good Book, you can't really risk a sodomizing, so you might just want to give her the beach house and all your money, just in case.

Then you crown off your royal douchebaggery, you decide NOT to step down and compare yourself to King David. Now I haven't gotten that far in my Bible reading, so I'm going to go do some quick Wikipedia action on that little nugget. Ok so seems like David is a righteous dude, I know that he slayed Goliath with a slingshot and what not. He's King of the Jews, so that has to be a pretty cushy title, so far a good comparison for you buddy. Ooo, here it's getting apt, he commits adultery too! Maybe you're smarter than you I am giving you credit for...or not...So David sleeps with Bethsheba, who is this other dude's wife and gets her knocked up. Then in order to conceal the identity of the baby's father, he calls the husband back and is like "have sex with your wife," but the guy is like at war and doesn't have the time, so David has the husband's posse abandon him so that he dies out there on the battlefied. Then he marries Bathsheba and God is like "Whoa buddy, this is not cool" and God, in his merciful wisdom sickens and causes the death of the baby. I guess David is eventually redeemed, but isn't that presuming an awful lot there Marko? Are you a baby killer Mark?

So the hits just keep on coming for Mark and I'm all set for the next embarassing incident. Maybe he'll sing "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" a capella for some reporters from the front lawn of his house where his wife has thrown all of his belongings. What's this? OH MY GOD MICHAEL JACKSON DIED! I mean not just your average run of the mill celebrity, but someone who is famous worldwide, and a tragic human trainwreck! The news media jumped from Sanford's backyard to Neverland Ranch faster than you can say I need a one way ticket to lala land. When all this dies down Mark, I think that you should take whatever money is in your PAC or your secret 2012 presidential campaign warchest and put it in a trust for Michael Jackson's kids, because you owe this guy huge for dying at the best possible moment for you. He saved you so much media flak, it's not even funny. Think about how slow of a news cycle it would been. If it had just been Farrah, you would have been in trouble. And let's be real, you're never going to make a run for it now, not after your crazy post-affair antics and your impending removal from your job because you're not even smart enough to pay for your flight to Argentina with your own money. Judging from the debts that MJ had racked up, Blanket is going to need that money for college, or at least the legal fees to change his name from Blanket.

Rest in peace MJ...Good luck with God's wrath there Marko, I'm sure I will read all about how it all turns out in Jenny's book.

Tomorrow, Jon and Kate...