Piercing: A "Hole" New World

Today, somewhat on a whim, but mostly from a determination to stop putting it off, I got my ears pierced. For those of you who were unaware or forgot what my lobes looked like, I do not currently have pierced ears. It's ok if you did not know, my aunt got me some earrings for Christmas and she's known me my whole life. I did have them pierced for a brief period in sixth grade, but I got lazy and the holes closed up. If you played sports at any level, you know that if you had earrings, you had to take them out, or if you couldn't take them out, you had to put tape over them, which made you look incredibly stupid. Considering I played sports all year round, I never had the time to keep them in long enough so they wouldn't close up if I took them out. So I just never got it redone.

My mom has been bugging me about it, and I see so many cute earrings that I would wear, so I resolved that in September, it was going to happen. I asked some of the young kids at work where they recommended getting it done. I had some requirements....First, it had to be reasonably priced, not exorbinantly expensive, but not dirt cheap either. Second, it had to be clean. I wanted sterile equipment and a very small chance that I would contract hepatitis. Third, I wanted lobe specialists. I was doing this old school and I don't need some weird place that specializes in nipple rings or something. Straight, old-fashioned lobes. I was told by my friend Monique from work, who has three ear holes, a belly button ring and a tongue ring that Claire's, tween headquarters of America, was actually the best place. Another girl recommended Piercing Pagoda. My mom wanted me to go to the doctor, which I nixed outright because A) I didn't think it would be covered by insurance and B) I don't think doctors actually do that. I mean would I go to a dermatologist or just a regular doctor? As a proponent for common sense health care reform, it would be hypocritical of me to support reducing unneccessary medical treatment and giving doctors more time with patients and then make a doctor pierce my ears.

It was a tough decision. Obviously, I am a little out of the demographic range for Claire's normal clientele, but there was still something seedy about Piercing Pagoda. Perhaps it's because it conjures images of a back alley in Chinatown. The same back alley where they catch all the stray cats to make into moo goo gai pan. Also, the Pagoda at the mall near me is a kiosk, while Claire's a store nestled near the empty end of the mall near Boscov's. It's a sketchy mirrored ceiling Boscov's, so there isn't a lot of traffic. If I got it done at the kiosk, it would be an open air environment and I would be watched by all the people passing by.

I opted for Claire's. I figured I would go on a weekday afternoon, when they weren't busy so that it would be a fairly quick experience. I get there at around 5 PM, which at the store where I work is a dead time. Most people aren't home from work or are home and eating a nice TV dinner. OF COURSE, because I wanted this to be a stealth mission, there had to be complications. First, I was told that you just had to buy the earrings and the piercing was free, so I picked out a nice $7 pair. I didn't want to look stupid by asking the 17 year old working there if I had to pick from specific piercing earrings or if any would suffice for the initial piercing. As I'm paying, I say, "Oh, and I need my ears actually pierced." So she says "Hah, there's a line." The line consisting of the middle school girl and her mom who were both getting matching cartilage piercings ahead of me. The girl has more piercings in one ear than I was getting total. So I'm standing there in Claire's like a moron. I'm taller than all the fixtures and everything is pink and sparkly and bubble gum flavored. I'm about to ask if I can go get a cup of coffee or something and come back in five minutes because I'm very uncomfortable, when the piercing girl's mom starts talking to me. She seems a little earthy, granola-y, kind of a cool parent type, so I don't run away and she's like "What holes are you on?" Like this is some sort of club and the number of holes you put in yourself is currency. Well it's obvious that I don't have any piercings, so I dumbly say "My first." And then I start rambling on about how I had them done in middle school because I feel like a big dork. I really thought I was going to have to wait through the girl and then her mom, but after the mom saw her daughter get it done, she had some second thoughts, so my line got a little smaller.

I start to fill out the Claire's paperwork, which is pretty much like don't sue us if your ear falls off. And I had to pick from the piercing earrings, which cost $35. Also, I felt empowered that I could sign the form myself and could cross out the parent or guardian line. Suck on that, piercing girl. I was pretty much the only person in the store whose mom didn't have to drive them there, and who could legally get shitfaced after this embarrassing ordeal. I should have waited outside and bought booze for those high school kids and charged them a 25% markup. I also wasn't getting a piercing because I wanted to piss off my parents. My mom actually probably wanted this more than I did. So the girl is sitting there talking to me and I'm like "This girl is like 18 and I'm a college graduate. How dare she ask me if I have any questions. I have a question, what are your qualifications? Did Claire's give you a certificate for attending a training session to learn how to stab people in the ears? Can we just do this damn thing so I can get an Auntie Anne's pretzel and an Orange Julius? "

So after the lecture, she makes a dot on my right ear. It's pretty much dead center on the lobe and she's like "Is this a good spot for you?" and in my head I'm like "Is it on my ear because I have no idea, I can't see it." Then she goes to draw the second dot, she takes a step back and gets a look on her face. Oh god, I get the girl who has no depth perception. She says it's too high and wipes it off and makes it again. This is literally what she says "Oops, I put it in the exact same spot again." YOU ARE OOPSING THE TRIAL RUN? THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL. Then she draws the dot a third time. Upon stepping back, she can't decide if it's even with the other one or not. So she gets Piercing Girl's mom to look. The mom is like "It's too low." Piercing Girl is like "It looks fine." So instead of just letting me see it, she calls over her young, blonde ditz of a coworker who is like "Um, it's fine." Then she finally lets me see, and I'm like it's fine, just do this for the love of all that is holy (or should I say...holey?). So she goes ahead and does it, and it doesn't actually hurt that much. Then she makes me demonstrate that I'm capable of cleaning my own ears. I'm ready to run away and she hands me a BRIGHT PINK bag that says "JUST GOT MY EARS PIERCED!" with the cleaner stuff and my receipt and everything. I'm like sweet mother, I just want to go to the mall and not have everyone's eyes staring at me wondering why this 24 year old went to Claire's and got her ears pierced. Not to mention I still had to pay/return the earrings that I had just bought because I was trying to play it cool. I finally get out of there, after what seemed like an hour, but was probably only fifteen minutes.

Suffice it to say, I'm not letting these ones close up. Or if I do, I'll wait until I'm a doctor and just do it my damn self. Or I'll take my chances at the Piercing Pagoda...