Regarding Your Insurance Claim

Dear American Public,

Here at your friendly, neighborhood insurance corporation, we take customer satisfaction very seriously, which is why we regret to inform you that we are unable to make payment on the claim you filed. We are sorry, and you are free to appeal our decision.

The clain is denied because we have determined that your condition, Health Insurance Ignorance, is in fact pre-existing. If you read the tiny, tiny print of your health insurance policy, you will find that we use the term "pre-existing condition" as a loophole to avoid paying for things that will cut into our ridiculously good profits. I mean seriously, we are raking it in. We've actually had to order more rakes to ensure we pick up every last penny. However, if you can't read the tiny, tiny print, that's probably because we don't offer coverage for eye exams or corrective lenses. In addition, it appears that treating your condition would require treatment for severe Factual Deficiency, which would entail experimental education treatments that we are under no obligation to pay for. It would also appear that an underlying condition to your HII is that you are experiencing extreme and paralyzing fear of socialism. Again, please refer to your policy, but the plan that you are enrolled in does not offer mental health coverage. In this case, the only treatment that we will pay for is to have you show up at the town hall meeting of your local congressional leader and shout ignorant things at them. It won't help your condition, but it will help us keep the Acme Rake corporation in business. I did mention the rakes right? Also, we need some of those canvas sacks with dollar signs on the side, so we have somewhere to store all this stuff. Right now, we just let our executives have a giant orgy on top of it.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this denial may cause you. Please fill out the attached appeal form and mail it to the following address:

Jose Nototheway
100 Fat Chance Lane
Hell's Frozen Tundra, NY 00090

We would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that we plan on raising your insurance premiums, effective immediately. We're trying to keep them growing at least three times faster than your wages ever will. Not that your wages will increase, because word on the street is your company will be laying you off, at which point you will have thirty days before your insurance policy with us will end. Sorry about that, but isn't this what is great about America? Where else on Earth could we have the freedom to literally decide who lives and dies based on our profit margins? It makes me want to wrap myself in the American flag and sing Yankee Doodle Dandy. I mean if you were in Canada, you'd have Socialized Medicine, where you would be have to wait in line for months to undergo a stress test in front of a death panel. If you failed, you would go to the gulag, where you would be forced to build communes for hippies, stoke the flames of the American flag incinerator, and assemble dirty bombs for Osama Bin Laden. At least you live in America, where you have the best health care in the world*!

*when we say best, we mean 37th, according to the World Health Organziation, but they are just a bunch of Debbie Downers

So, as you can see, by denying your care, we are fighting socialism, flag burning and terrorism. When you hear "The Star Spangled Banner," think about the extraordinary bravery and patriotism it took for us to deny you life saving care. Sure you're dead, but at least you will be able to tell your children you saved the American Dream. Well you won't be able to tell them, because you're dead, but perhaps you could leave a note for them about it. Unless what killed you is a heritable disease, because we won't cover them either, so you can just save the note and tell them when you are both in the afterlife.

Thank you,

The American Health Insurance companies