Welcome to the blogosphere, self...

So, here it is...the blog, the blogosky, the big bloggorino, the bloggy mcbloggerstein. the blogmeister:

The first post, the alpha, the birth of a new freedom...My blog has emerged, covered in afterbirth, screaming, terrified at the world outside of my brain. Perhaps writing down for posterity my many mindgrapes will allow me to fully realize that I'm a horrible person...perhaps not, but hopefully it will be fun....here goes nothing...

I'm not the kind of person who believes in astrology or celestial influence, but in my own personal observations, really crazy people seem to come into the store where I work around a full moon. And they came out in full force today, the first Monday (derived from the word moon) after the full moon this weekend. I mean it's not scientific, but there is definitely a crazy trend...

First off was this woman whose last name is actually, no lie, Smuck. I mean it's not enough that she wears giant baggy pants belted at her rib cage, hiking socks with sandals, giant headphones with a walkman and a hideous red jacket, but her last name is Smuck. Basically, last week she came in and spent an hour trying on pants, and she bought one pair. Tonight she comes back to return the pants she bought last week because "we changed the fit of our pants..." As if she hadn't tried them on last week. Now I knew when she bought the pants that is what she would do, it's who she is, she cannot help it. She once returned/purchased the same pair of flannel lined jeans three times, which is why some in the biz call her "flannel lined jeans lady," but I refer to her as the Smuckster. Part of the reason I don't think the Smuckster's pants fit properly is because she is wearing them at her bustline. No pants are made to be that high. Also she buys like three sizes bigger than she actually is. I mean the only reason I like her coming in is because her outfits are creatively horrifying. Each time the Smuckster outdoes herself.

Then came my nemesis, let's call her "Mary Ann" as that is her actual name. I don't like Mary Ann for a variety of reasons. First of all she's vapidly polite at all times. She has this singsongy voice , but you kind of get the feeling that her soul died back in the late nineties. The main reason I can't stand her is because she is always returning things. I mean always. She'll order 45 things from the catalog and over the span of three weeks return 40 items. I mean her success rate is so low that you would think she would stop ordering our stuff...but just as soon as she returns the stuff she brings in, she goes back to the catalog center and orders more. It's insane. I mean who has the time to live like this? Today was the worst, because she brought her three little boys AKA the devil children. I mean we get a lot of children who are poorly behaved and undisciplined, but these kids are the absolute worst. I mean they were crawling on the floor, screaming, beating each other, pulling things off shelves, and Mary Ann acted as if they were behaving as perfect angels. Tommy pulled down a display and brought it over to his mom and she was like "That's cool Tommy! Where did you find that?" It's not as if she didn't see how he got it, but they are allowed to touch everything and anything, which is fine at a petting zoo, but not when you don't actually own any of the stuff that your kids are destroying/I have to clean up after them. Who parents like this? I mean what if there is a sizable majority of kids who grow up by having their antisocial behavior rewarded? What will happen to the world? Where will I be able to hide? I know that one day these kids are going to injure themselves and Mary Ann is going to sue us, but I will be there to testify that she is a horrible mother and her children are a menace to society. I hate parents who think their kids are sooo perfect and wonderful and angelic. I mean let's be frank, most kids are obnoxious little bastards. Take off your rose colored kid goggles and realize that you've created a monster. I know dogs that are better behaved in public places and the law requires that they be on leashes, but these cretins can run loose because they are mommy or daddy's special little muffin? Any two freaks can create a child, it's not like it's some special honor given just to you because your children are just so wonderful. I mean my parents would never have let me get away with half of the stuff that I see kids do in public. One little girl earlier was like wiping her nose with her hand and then touching everything. Thanks little Suzy for giving everyone in the store swine flu and thanks to your mom who was too busy talking on her cell phone to deal with your unfortunate and disgusting hygeine issues.

All in all it was a long ass day...moral of the story, watch out for the full moon crazy people...