Phillies Phun Phacts

So the Dodgers are back in town, sans Manny, AKA The Man Whose Testicles Stopped Working, and we won the first game...woo maybe we can actually win this series. You can do it guys!

1) My new strategy for every game that Chan Ho Park pitches is to verbally bash him at every opportunity, because when I do that he seems to pitch better. I think he also must pitch well when he thinks he's going to lose his job...He was awesome in Spring Training because he didn't have the fifth starter's spot, and he was great last start versus the Mets because there were rumblings that they might let Happ start in his stead. So after every start Charlie or someone just needs to say "You did ok, but Happ has been looking real good in his sessions, might have to give him a shot..." So take my insults with pride Chan Ho, it's for your own good that I call you Chan Ho Park A Few Home Runs or Korean Home Run Machine...it's for your own good

2) Jimmy Rollins did not bat leadoff and we won! I was not a fan of the Utley 2nd Werth 3rd situation, but I have a feeling that was because the pitcher was a lefty. I also don't think that Rollins is hitting well enough to protect Ryan Howard, so I'm not sure the fifth spot is right for him, perhaps sixth or seventh until he realizes that he cannot try to hit home runs every at bat. I mean everyone and their blind friend can see that he's way too anxious at every at bat, so he needs to just take a chill pill and hopefully the real Jimmy Rollins will return. I am tempted to blame this on the World Baseball Classic, because it's stupid and no one cares and it will just get all the good players hurt for the regular season.

3) Props to Werth for having four stolen bases and for stealing home! I love when people steal home, I think you should get like a special bonus for doing it. An extra run or something...maybe more people would attempt it.

4) Some asshole at the broadcast setup gave Tom McCarthy a telestrator tonight. Maybe it was always there and they weren't allowed to use it, but he drew some circles on Chan Ho Park's head to illustrate why the Phillies were concerned about him staying in the game. I have no fucking idea what point he was trying to make, and I hope that he is not allowed to use it ever again. Who do you think you are, John Madden trying to explain a blitz? It's baseball, there is no need to draw lines or circles or anything on the screen. The fact that Tom used one makes me suspect that he realizes no one likes the TV broadcast team anymore and he's pulling out all the gimmicks to win them back. I think it's time to say it, time to fill the gaping Harry Kalas hole with something that isn't Tom McCarthy and Wheels prattling on endlessly for the entire game. And Sarge at least doesn't talk all the time, but half the time he doesn't even say things that make sense. Like today someone hit a really hard line drive and Sarge is like "That ball was LITERALLY smoked, i mean smoked." First of all Sarge, you are a former professional athlete, so don't try to get linguistically sophisticated, you're just going to look like an idiot. Second of all, if the ball were literally smoked, using the definition of smoked that is widely accepted in the English language, the batter would have dried the ball, wrapped it some rolling paper and taken a few puffs. And poor Wheels, I mean he's a nice enough man, but will someone please take the Elias Sports Bureau statistics away from him? "In the seventh inning, before an out has been recorded, in the month of April, the Phillies have an average of .652, which is highest in the league." Color Wheels, not statistics (heehee, unintentional punnery), color is funny, anecdotal, yes some statistics, meaningful ones, not just a look how much homework Wheels has done experiment. Franzke and L.A., I seriously hope you get the job and stat.

5) Remember when Brad Lidge could strike out three guys in a row for an easy save? Now I feel like there should be a drinking game. Every time Lidge's fastball is not where it's supposed to be, take a shot. After two batters you will be so drunk that you will either be very happy when he finally closes it out or at least not so nerve-wracked as he slowly blows it. Brad come back, we miss you, and bring the starters with you!