An Historic Moment

Move over Nancy Pelosi, first woman Speaker of the House. Now we have John Boehner from the great state of O-hi-o, who will become the first Orange-American Speaker of the House. He's the first person of Orange descent to be in Congress since this man/ball:

Brand New Day

So I've decided to relaunch the blog! :::Thunderous applause from the three followers:::

I'm hoping for at least bi-weekly, and it will mostly be political stuff, I need the structure of commenting on something specific. Otherwise, I just get overwhelmed and don't write for months and months.

Stay tuned!

Seriously?

First of all, I want to receive some credit for two blog updates within a week. I'm trying people, I really am.

Second, this afternoon I was sitting my anatomy conference, which is basically a huge lecture for dental students and the program I am in. I'm sitting in the last row, which is where all the cool kids sit. This morning, I took the exam to become a census taker, which started at 9:30 AM. It was only supposed to take an hour and a half, but due to the extremely slow talking of the census test administrator, it took almost two hours, so I didn't get to eat lunch before I had to get the train for my class at 1. So while in lecture, I start to eat some of the snacks that I had brought with me, because I'm starving. It was the excellent "Nuts about Dark Chocolate and Raspberries" trail mix from Trader Joe's and a classic: cheddar Goldfish. I was very much enjoying myself. After about ten minutes, the kid sitting next to me goes "Do have any louder foods to eat?" He certainly wasn't joking, and he had an uber-serious "You're talking while teacher is talking" look on his face. At this point, without really thinking or censoring what I said, I went "Do you have a bigger stick to put up your butt?" This probably wasn't the best response, because we had to sit next to each other for the rest of the lecture, but it was pretty much automatic. I could fucking hear the professor while I was eating, so I'm sure that this kid could too, unless he's deaf, which I don't think he was because he spoke to me without using sign language. Not to mention that the professor is fucking reading off the slide, which is being relayed on a projector screen the size of a two story wall. Like seriously, who does that? I'm minding my own damn business, eating some great snacks and you have to fucking be the lecture police and tell me I'm disturbing your lecture experience. If you have such a problem hearing the professor, why did you choose to sit in the back row? Plus, he was being annoyingly academic, nodding with the professor, stroking his chin to think of responses to rhetorical lecture questions, just basically being a brown-nosing, douchebag of a dental student. Not to mention the fact that he was shorter and possibly skinnier than I was, so I probably could have kicked his ass if I wanted. And he probably has a small penis.

The real question is what kind of loud and crunchy snack should I bring to class tomorrow...

Open Letter

Dear girl in the train station taking self portraits with her cell phone camera,

Hi, you probably didn't notice me because you were really into your little photo shoot. I mean I guess I understand trying to take a picture of yourself if you're in front of a famous landmark, like say we were at Independence Hall or the Art Museum steps, but we were on Track 3 at Suburban Station waiting for the 3:22 R3 to Media. I mean it's a pretty depressing backdrop, what with the white walls and the dark mysterious stains on the cement. Not to mention that the lighting is horrible. All pale white people look blue, so harsh subterranean flourescents are not going to be your best light. Not to mention that you stood blocking the way for other passengers trying to get by. Also, I saw the really stupid, pouty Top Modelesque poses you were trying to pull off. Tyra says smile with your eyes, not squint them so that you look like you're having a difficult time reading the train schedule. Oh yea and your wardrobe choice was a little casual for a photo shoot...A hooded sweatshirt? Stacy and Clinton would not approve. I'm sure that 2.0 megapixel, plastic lens camera will be sure to give you a nice grainy blur when you post that puppy on MySpace later tonight. Although, I'm not sure that the 45 year old pedophiles posing as 20 year old guys trying to get you to meet them in a dark, unpopulated location for various sexual encounters will mind all that much.

On some of the later shots, you may notice someone in the background giving you really bizarre and horrified looks, almost like they are trying to express "WTF?" through facial expression alone. That would be yours truly!

Thoughtfully yours,

Megan

Piercing: A "Hole" New World

Today, somewhat on a whim, but mostly from a determination to stop putting it off, I got my ears pierced. For those of you who were unaware or forgot what my lobes looked like, I do not currently have pierced ears. It's ok if you did not know, my aunt got me some earrings for Christmas and she's known me my whole life. I did have them pierced for a brief period in sixth grade, but I got lazy and the holes closed up. If you played sports at any level, you know that if you had earrings, you had to take them out, or if you couldn't take them out, you had to put tape over them, which made you look incredibly stupid. Considering I played sports all year round, I never had the time to keep them in long enough so they wouldn't close up if I took them out. So I just never got it redone.

My mom has been bugging me about it, and I see so many cute earrings that I would wear, so I resolved that in September, it was going to happen. I asked some of the young kids at work where they recommended getting it done. I had some requirements....First, it had to be reasonably priced, not exorbinantly expensive, but not dirt cheap either. Second, it had to be clean. I wanted sterile equipment and a very small chance that I would contract hepatitis. Third, I wanted lobe specialists. I was doing this old school and I don't need some weird place that specializes in nipple rings or something. Straight, old-fashioned lobes. I was told by my friend Monique from work, who has three ear holes, a belly button ring and a tongue ring that Claire's, tween headquarters of America, was actually the best place. Another girl recommended Piercing Pagoda. My mom wanted me to go to the doctor, which I nixed outright because A) I didn't think it would be covered by insurance and B) I don't think doctors actually do that. I mean would I go to a dermatologist or just a regular doctor? As a proponent for common sense health care reform, it would be hypocritical of me to support reducing unneccessary medical treatment and giving doctors more time with patients and then make a doctor pierce my ears.

It was a tough decision. Obviously, I am a little out of the demographic range for Claire's normal clientele, but there was still something seedy about Piercing Pagoda. Perhaps it's because it conjures images of a back alley in Chinatown. The same back alley where they catch all the stray cats to make into moo goo gai pan. Also, the Pagoda at the mall near me is a kiosk, while Claire's a store nestled near the empty end of the mall near Boscov's. It's a sketchy mirrored ceiling Boscov's, so there isn't a lot of traffic. If I got it done at the kiosk, it would be an open air environment and I would be watched by all the people passing by.

I opted for Claire's. I figured I would go on a weekday afternoon, when they weren't busy so that it would be a fairly quick experience. I get there at around 5 PM, which at the store where I work is a dead time. Most people aren't home from work or are home and eating a nice TV dinner. OF COURSE, because I wanted this to be a stealth mission, there had to be complications. First, I was told that you just had to buy the earrings and the piercing was free, so I picked out a nice $7 pair. I didn't want to look stupid by asking the 17 year old working there if I had to pick from specific piercing earrings or if any would suffice for the initial piercing. As I'm paying, I say, "Oh, and I need my ears actually pierced." So she says "Hah, there's a line." The line consisting of the middle school girl and her mom who were both getting matching cartilage piercings ahead of me. The girl has more piercings in one ear than I was getting total. So I'm standing there in Claire's like a moron. I'm taller than all the fixtures and everything is pink and sparkly and bubble gum flavored. I'm about to ask if I can go get a cup of coffee or something and come back in five minutes because I'm very uncomfortable, when the piercing girl's mom starts talking to me. She seems a little earthy, granola-y, kind of a cool parent type, so I don't run away and she's like "What holes are you on?" Like this is some sort of club and the number of holes you put in yourself is currency. Well it's obvious that I don't have any piercings, so I dumbly say "My first." And then I start rambling on about how I had them done in middle school because I feel like a big dork. I really thought I was going to have to wait through the girl and then her mom, but after the mom saw her daughter get it done, she had some second thoughts, so my line got a little smaller.

I start to fill out the Claire's paperwork, which is pretty much like don't sue us if your ear falls off. And I had to pick from the piercing earrings, which cost $35. Also, I felt empowered that I could sign the form myself and could cross out the parent or guardian line. Suck on that, piercing girl. I was pretty much the only person in the store whose mom didn't have to drive them there, and who could legally get shitfaced after this embarrassing ordeal. I should have waited outside and bought booze for those high school kids and charged them a 25% markup. I also wasn't getting a piercing because I wanted to piss off my parents. My mom actually probably wanted this more than I did. So the girl is sitting there talking to me and I'm like "This girl is like 18 and I'm a college graduate. How dare she ask me if I have any questions. I have a question, what are your qualifications? Did Claire's give you a certificate for attending a training session to learn how to stab people in the ears? Can we just do this damn thing so I can get an Auntie Anne's pretzel and an Orange Julius? "

So after the lecture, she makes a dot on my right ear. It's pretty much dead center on the lobe and she's like "Is this a good spot for you?" and in my head I'm like "Is it on my ear because I have no idea, I can't see it." Then she goes to draw the second dot, she takes a step back and gets a look on her face. Oh god, I get the girl who has no depth perception. She says it's too high and wipes it off and makes it again. This is literally what she says "Oops, I put it in the exact same spot again." YOU ARE OOPSING THE TRIAL RUN? THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL. Then she draws the dot a third time. Upon stepping back, she can't decide if it's even with the other one or not. So she gets Piercing Girl's mom to look. The mom is like "It's too low." Piercing Girl is like "It looks fine." So instead of just letting me see it, she calls over her young, blonde ditz of a coworker who is like "Um, it's fine." Then she finally lets me see, and I'm like it's fine, just do this for the love of all that is holy (or should I say...holey?). So she goes ahead and does it, and it doesn't actually hurt that much. Then she makes me demonstrate that I'm capable of cleaning my own ears. I'm ready to run away and she hands me a BRIGHT PINK bag that says "JUST GOT MY EARS PIERCED!" with the cleaner stuff and my receipt and everything. I'm like sweet mother, I just want to go to the mall and not have everyone's eyes staring at me wondering why this 24 year old went to Claire's and got her ears pierced. Not to mention I still had to pay/return the earrings that I had just bought because I was trying to play it cool. I finally get out of there, after what seemed like an hour, but was probably only fifteen minutes.

Suffice it to say, I'm not letting these ones close up. Or if I do, I'll wait until I'm a doctor and just do it my damn self. Or I'll take my chances at the Piercing Pagoda...

Dog Days of Summer

I consider myself a baseball fan first and foremost, so it always irks me that while the Phillies are leading their division and trading themselves into a better position to defend their current World Championship, the local sports media sends envoys up to Lehigh University (located precisely in the middle of Nowheresville, PA) to extensively cover the Eagles Training Camp, AKA practice. Yes, they do also cover Spring Training, but I feel that they make Training Camp a much bigger deal. To quote the eminently quotable Philadelphia Sixers sage, Allen Iverson, "We're talking about practice." Practice that is apparently the most important sports news in the town. I realize that Philadelphia is predominantly an Eagles town, but do I really need to see footage of every member of the defensive line getting out of their huge SUVs to go to practice? I don't...Also, why do we still hold press conferences with Andy Reid? Does the man every say more than one syllable to the press that is anything more than just a repetition of things that they already knew? Let's just save the air time and assume that Andy Reid will not say anything controversial/have any comment for the press.

It's funny in a sense that this firestorm is happening, precisely because Andy Reid as a coach is very low drama. Once Terrell Owens started to show his true colors in his second season, he was all but out the door. Andy Reid and the Eagles organization seemingly have very little tolerance for people who cause them a lot of P.R. and off the field drama. They're very football focused. Which is one reason why the whole Michael Vick signing is so surprising and confusing.

Speaking of Michael Vick, let me just say that I did not care for him/think he was a superb player, before I found out that he amply provided for the torture and killing of his own dogs. He's a "quarterback," in the sense that he lines up behind the center, but he's never been known for the strength or accuracy of his arm. He set the record for the most rushing yards for a quarterback, and is pretty much a very good running quarterback. I remember when the Eagles would play the Falcons and the sports news people would hype the match up of Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick. Playing each other would determine who is the ULTIMATE RUNNING BLACK QUARTERBACK OF ALL TIME IN THE UNIVERSE!!! And every single time, McNabb would play a wonderful game and the Eagles would win by 20 points, while the Eagles defense would contain Vick and sack him half a dozen times. It was never a contest who was better. At least with Donovan, if he couldn't run, he would still be able to pass the ball, where Vick would just get stuck and throw interceptions. Vick always seemed overexposed, overhyped and highly overpaid for being a quarterback who can't throw the ball all that well.

Then you know, the whole dogfighting thing happened. I really have difficulty in understanding people who are mean to animals. I mean people are bastards a large majority of the time, I can completely understand how you would want to physically assault another human being, but animals aren't like that. They don't have all the obnoxious personality traits that humans are so prone to. And who wants to watch two dogs fight each other? I mean isn't Ultimate Cage Fighting pretty much the same thing with steroid laden people? Is dogfighting even neccessary in a world with the octagon of death is on every sporting channel all the time? Do you get ESPN 2 Mikey?

So I went from disliking Michael Vick to pretty much hating him. It's one thing to have your old buddies from the hood be like "Hey, you're not doing anything tonight, you want to go watch two aggressive dogs try to kill each other? It will be fun, just be sure to wear something splatter proof," but when you are the ringleader and chief financial officer for such brutality, I can't really make any excuses for you or pretend that you're a good human being. I mean isn't part of the profile of all serial killers/psychopaths that they tormented animals at some point in their life? What is wrong with you that you have to be so cruel to a defenseless and virtually helpless creature? What he did was disgusting and the fact that he got only two years in prison, predominantly because of the gambling aspect and not the animal cruelty aspect is a testament to how disturbed our society is. I know that people say "they're just dogs," but the more we learn about the animal world, the more we are realizing how intelligent animals actually are. I was just reading about a study that showed dogs have at least as much intelligence as toddlers. So instated of thinking about Michael Vick as electrocuting a dog, imagine that he is doing it to little Timmy or Suzy. No matter how much I try to empathize with his circumstances, that he got caught up with his old friends from home, for whom this is a large part of their culture, I keep coming back to it being wrong. Period. End of story, enjoy Leavenworth, don't drop your soap and here are some cigarettes with which to barter.

So I pretty much think that Michael Vick is scum, but I was not surprised when he was reinstated to the NFL. The bar for being allowed to play is anything goes as long as you're not actually convicted of murdering someone else. Drugs? That's fine, take a suspension and come on back! DUI? DUI with vehicular manslaughter? Water under the bridge! To be fair, Ted Kennedy also got to come back from that one, so that's not really just an NFL problem. Domestic violence? So tame, you didn't even use a weapon...here's a session of sensitivity training, and get those pads on! Rape and sexual assault? Just proof of your manliness and virility, settle it out of court and WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! I guess you have to have a high violence tolerance, when your sport consists of huge Hulk-men physically beating each other down each Sunday and you encourage bone-crushing tackles. When I heard Vick was reinstated, I figured that he'd end up at some last place team who is desperate for a star :::cough:::houstontexans:::cough::: I had actually heard somewhere that the Cowboys were considering taking him, which would have been sweet as an Eagles fan. Would have made booing them that much sweeter. It would have been so black and white.

What's this? The Eagles signed him? Aroo? As I said earlier, it doesn't make sense because the Andy Reid Tenure has been marked by minimal drama, aforementioned T.O. incident not included. Also, do we even need a backup quarterback? What about that Kevin Kolb kid? He's supposed to be the future right? Just waiting there, lurking behind Donovan to usurp him when he least expects it. Also, doesn't Donovan hate that they keep lining all these people up behind him? I know he was pretty pissed about the Kevin Kolb thing, not to mention the benching that he got last season. Donovan is a pretty upstanding guy, and he's pretty much earned the right to not have some whippersnapper biting at his heels all year. Why waste any money getting another QB, when it is a clearly demonstrated fact that we need a top wide receiver to get us to the Super Bowl. I would rather have had Andy Reid fly to Buffalo, get down on one knee and ask T.O. to come back than sign anyone else. I mean Hank Baskett? He's just this year's Todd Pinkston...THE ENTIRE RECEIVING CORE IS TODD PINKSTON/FREDDIE MITCHELL version 20.09. Don't you see? Donovan is a great quarterback when he as someone to CATCH HIS PASSES. This brings me to my second point. Andy Reid et. al have never met a passing play that they don't like. I mean they pass almost every play. Our running back gets most of his yards passing. The entire Eagles M.O. requires a good passing quarterback, which Michael Vick isn't. Not to mention that you're probably freaking Donovan out by putting a lesser version of himself behind him on the depth chart. And God forbid something happens to Donovan and we're forced to root for that assclown. I mean he's obviously not intelligent. What sort of moron is the highest paid player in the league and raking in the cash decides to put it all on the line so he can bet a few G's on dogs. Seriously, you would think one of the people in his entourage would be like, this is a terrible idea, you're an idiot. You can make $40,000 on one bet at the dogfight or you could make $40,000,000 a year playing catch on Sundays.

All of the people who are trying to rationalize being able to root for the Eagles with Vick are like "Everyone deserves a second chance!" I generally agree with that, and I think a lot of the problems we have with repeat offending criminals are because we make it virtually impossible for them to assimilate back into normal society. However, I feel that comparing Michael Vick's "first chance" to any other criminal's first chance is disingenious. The guy was on top of the world and he threw it away for something pretty stupid in the big scheme of his life. Does someone that stupid really deserve a second chance? Shouldn't we be shipping idiots like him off to an island somewhere away from society? I mean your first chance was a Golden Chance, and you were too self-destructive or stupid to recognize it. I don't think you should be able to get that back again. Sure, let him get a job where he can provide for him and his family, but don't let him make ridiculous amounts of money, especially when he's only been out of jail for like a month and has not yet done anything tangible to show his remorse.

I for one have two proposals. The first he probably won't like, but I say that we call up the Octagon of Death people and see if they can loan us the cage for a little bit. Then we find one of the pit bulls that Michael trained who is still probably in a rescue because it's too aggressive to be homed. We put Michael (wearing his newly minted Eagles #7 jersey that nflshop.com sent me an e-mail to inform me is only $79.99), sans pads and protective gear, mano vs. fido fighting against one of his fighting dogs. If he survives, has use of his limbs and doesn't die of blood loss, he can return to playing professional football. If he loses his throwing arm or something, well then, life can be a bitch sometime (which will be even more ironic if the dog that mauls him to death is a female). The second proposal, is far less violent, and I think Mr. Vick might prefer this one. The Eagles/whatever future team he plays for pay for all of Mr. Vick's basic needs: food, clothing, housing, etc. Nothing extravagant, just enough for him to get by. The remainder of whatever salary is earned is automatically donated to the SPCA/Humane Society or some other animal welfare organization.

I for one won't be rooting for the Eagles this season. Hopefully, the Phillies will go all the way again, so I won't even miss football in the fall. I will not watch the games or buy anything where the proceeds will go to the team, while Michael Vick is still being paid. I won't root for any other team either, consider my Eagles fandom suspended indefinitely, which is something that Mr. Vick should be familiar with it, as it was his status with the NFL until recently.

Regarding Your Insurance Claim

Dear American Public,

Here at your friendly, neighborhood insurance corporation, we take customer satisfaction very seriously, which is why we regret to inform you that we are unable to make payment on the claim you filed. We are sorry, and you are free to appeal our decision.

The clain is denied because we have determined that your condition, Health Insurance Ignorance, is in fact pre-existing. If you read the tiny, tiny print of your health insurance policy, you will find that we use the term "pre-existing condition" as a loophole to avoid paying for things that will cut into our ridiculously good profits. I mean seriously, we are raking it in. We've actually had to order more rakes to ensure we pick up every last penny. However, if you can't read the tiny, tiny print, that's probably because we don't offer coverage for eye exams or corrective lenses. In addition, it appears that treating your condition would require treatment for severe Factual Deficiency, which would entail experimental education treatments that we are under no obligation to pay for. It would also appear that an underlying condition to your HII is that you are experiencing extreme and paralyzing fear of socialism. Again, please refer to your policy, but the plan that you are enrolled in does not offer mental health coverage. In this case, the only treatment that we will pay for is to have you show up at the town hall meeting of your local congressional leader and shout ignorant things at them. It won't help your condition, but it will help us keep the Acme Rake corporation in business. I did mention the rakes right? Also, we need some of those canvas sacks with dollar signs on the side, so we have somewhere to store all this stuff. Right now, we just let our executives have a giant orgy on top of it.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this denial may cause you. Please fill out the attached appeal form and mail it to the following address:

Jose Nototheway
100 Fat Chance Lane
Hell's Frozen Tundra, NY 00090

We would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that we plan on raising your insurance premiums, effective immediately. We're trying to keep them growing at least three times faster than your wages ever will. Not that your wages will increase, because word on the street is your company will be laying you off, at which point you will have thirty days before your insurance policy with us will end. Sorry about that, but isn't this what is great about America? Where else on Earth could we have the freedom to literally decide who lives and dies based on our profit margins? It makes me want to wrap myself in the American flag and sing Yankee Doodle Dandy. I mean if you were in Canada, you'd have Socialized Medicine, where you would be have to wait in line for months to undergo a stress test in front of a death panel. If you failed, you would go to the gulag, where you would be forced to build communes for hippies, stoke the flames of the American flag incinerator, and assemble dirty bombs for Osama Bin Laden. At least you live in America, where you have the best health care in the world*!

*when we say best, we mean 37th, according to the World Health Organziation, but they are just a bunch of Debbie Downers

So, as you can see, by denying your care, we are fighting socialism, flag burning and terrorism. When you hear "The Star Spangled Banner," think about the extraordinary bravery and patriotism it took for us to deny you life saving care. Sure you're dead, but at least you will be able to tell your children you saved the American Dream. Well you won't be able to tell them, because you're dead, but perhaps you could leave a note for them about it. Unless what killed you is a heritable disease, because we won't cover them either, so you can just save the note and tell them when you are both in the afterlife.

Thank you,

The American Health Insurance companies